Adam's one year checkup

Adam playing with his birthday toys

Adam had his one year wellness checkup. He is still sleeping. It was due to the two shots he had. I was really surprised he was underweight with 21 lbs (in the 23 percentile) and just about average for height (74 cm) in the 49 percentile. My family kept telling me how chubby he was, but he is really outgrown all that fat. He is a round baby, but very healthy and very cheerful. The only thing that I was concerned about was his constipation. It has been there since he was born and I have to be very careful to give him fibre every day.

He did not even cry when he had his shots, and then he went to sleep since he was in the car. But I am going to wake up in the middle of the night because he will have slept 12 hours already.

I have not heard back from any of the on-going interviews I have been through, so it means I am still a runner up until I hear else. So, another week is almost gone by.

Yael had a wonderful day at school, she had a pyjamas party and saw a movie in the gymnasium. It was a fundraiser that was a total success. She did not want to go home. That is what I call a good day. She was running around with her friends, her hair was all wet from sweating. She was laughing, had no socks on and kept saying: "mommy, I saw bags shyte" (Instead of bug's life), and I cracked.

Still going..

Yael wondering what is all the fuss about (her bro's B-Day)

And just when I think I am out, the phone rings...

It was the company that I thought was not even interested in me, so it seems the VP like me. The next step was a personality test (Caliper) which took 1 1/2 hours to complete (it was done online) and had some personality type questions, tendencies, preference of behaviors, etc, the smallest portion was logical and reasoning questions. Easy... So tomorrow, I am supposed to meet the HR manager and after that, the CIO. If everything goes well, I give out my references and an offer will be extended. So far, I am a third of the way to getting it, so I am still working on other applications, but boy, how slow and how tedious it is.

Oh, on a related matter, I asked XP to do me a favour, to call on my last job's reference as if he was the hiring manager. I was relieved to find out that it is this company's policy not to give out references, neither a manager's nor the HR department so they did not confirm or denied anything. This means that if any third party reference checker calls, they will say the same thing, and it will not put weight on my reputation. My ex boss was upset she received a call out of the blue (it does not surprise me that she got upset, it is her permanent state of mind) and did not want to say anything. It leaves the ground for my previous company in which I have excellent references, and lots of them. So I can sleep knowing I still have a fair chance to be considered for any job.

It also means that the previous opportunity that I lost was due to a different set of skills I was competing against. I did not have what they hired the other finalist for. I do not feel bad anymore, since they hired her for what they thought was most important to them and I do not have it. It had a sales component to it, that is a little bit out of my range and my work background. A more suitable opportunity will surely come along and we will both feel like it is the right fit (both the company and myself).

The end of November should be long enough to go through all the hurdles and be ready to hear some good news...I hope.

Thanks for the good wishes, dear readers...

It has been two months..

Adam sitting in his little truck

...Since I have been looking for a job, and nothing yet has panned out. I am starting to get discouraged. My savings are drying up. I am eating my home...brick by brick...

It seems that my maternity leave is hurting my chances of competing against other candidates who might be actively looking, while working.

Of the 3 jobs that I had a chance to get closer to a contract, one has fallen to the wayside, the other one I have not heard a response back in two days (after leaving messages) and the third one is my last hope at getting something if and only if their budgets are approved. At this point, after so many applications I fill out, I have no idea what to think or what other strategy to use.

As a last resort, I will knock on a previous company's door which I had very good relations with, to go back to working with them, even if it is in a more junior role. I really have to get back to working. I have also accepted to move forward with a job that is below my seniority, I don't even know if they will even look at my resume, since they think I might jump board at the first opportunity that comes along.

I sit down and look for jobs for hours, I talk to recruiters, I apply to as many as I see fit, (there are not that many anyways) even several times..and there is not much else I can do. It is certainly the most stressful situation I can be in.

It is ironic that in these times when I need a job the most, since I have my two children, and need to be making serious money unlike the time I was single, I have the hardest time getting in to the workforce again?

Today, I had to go to court regarding my case with XP and the kids. Well, at least I can put that behind, since I have full custody of my children, the supervised visits are working well, the only thing I claimed was that support is not provided promptly and fully every month, so the judge ordered for it to go through the family responsibility office (they order garnishment from his account if he does not pay).

I wish to get a job before the end of the year. I hope I do.

The birthday party

Blowing the candles

It was a wonderful day, full of people. All my friends came over and participated in Adam's birthday. It was so much fun. My nanny and her girlfriend helped out. It was a total success. Adam slept for 3 hours while the guests were arriving and he woke up in such a good mood. Yael played with her best friend and I had a chance to spend some time with good friends. We had a wonderful time.

XP was not with us today. I wanted to keep things separate. Having him in the presence of my friends was not a good idea. It would have only antagonized the situation and I would have not had a pleasant time knowing him (he is very anti-social), so that is why we celebrated Adam's birthday with him separately. He had a chance to spend time with his son and daughter, and later on, I had a chance to relax with my friends and have a good time with them.

Adam is truly gorgeous. He is becoming one handsome little boy. He does not feel like walking at all, he simply sits down when I try to make him walk..so we shall see when he decides to do it. Yael was a little jealous, but not as much as I thought she would be. When we lit the candles, she blew them the first time and then her friend, and then I did on behalf of Adam.

This year has gone by so quickly, so many wonderful things have happened. To see Adam growing up, with Yael, is one of my most incredible blessings. Despite all the bad things that happened this past year, I think Adam and Yael have made it worth it.

When I put my thoughts in writing, I try to examine all the things that I am unable to during the hectic daily living, so that I stop and think, stop and cherish, stop and be amazed at my daily wonders: my two kids.

Now that Adam's birthday is gone, I have Yael's coming up, and also Hanukkah. I have purchased gifts for both events for both, so I am done, but I still have her big birthday. I can't wait to see her happy face to see all her school mates join her to celebrate her birthday. It should be a good day.

Adam had a great day, he was in a cheerful mood, woke up 3 hours after his nap and smiled at everyone here. I felt I was in the company of good friends. Adam got beautiful gifts, many trucks and cars (which he needed because he was playing with Yael's toys) , so he finally got toys for a boy. A perfect birthday!

The birthday boy

Adam playing with his balloons

XP came over and together we celebrated Adam's birthday. It was lovely. Adam enjoyed the balloons, the toys and all the singing. He was very cheerful and Yael, of course was jealous until I showed her her surprise and gift for being the sister of the birthday boy, (believe me, that saved the day).

My nanny helped me a lot. She is wonderful. She helps every time I need her without budging. I was lucky to find her. She is very happy and comfortable at home with us.

Adam enjoyed both our gifts. XP gave him a little guitar with buttons and songs. I gave him a drum which had instruments inside as well, all instruments. LOL...

I had such a busy day today, two interviews back to back. One with the VP of the company (the one who this role reports to) and then another one that came out of the blue, unexpectedly at the last minute. I would prefer the previous one as it is a stable position, the other one is for a start-up operation and for only 3 months with a possibility of renewing the short contract or making the role full time. I enjoyed the idea of the start up but honestly, I am not in a position to start gambling with my job, plus it would put me back on the job search if it does not work.

The VP seemed to have liked me although he had some questions about my ability to pull such a large project together, perhaps he did not see my assertiveness; I consider myself to be quite assertive, but I don't like to come on too strong as it may turn people off. He is very soft spoken and very much introverted. He said the next steps would be to meet with the CIO and perhaps another person to make the final decision, and then extend an offer. This role is not easy for the company and it has taken a long time to find someone, but I was not hoping to get it, it was a bonus that they called me for a second interview. If they call me again, even better. The company is so close to home, it takes 10 minutes to get there, so that would be great.

I heard good news about the other interview I had with the two ladies I thought I had good rapport with, and perhaps they call me back, that would be to let me know that they have assigned me projects and that they would go through me, so interesting. They are looking at how they can include me in these projects. This one is a contract, also could be renewable each year and would be the best choice for me in terms of my debt. I could pay it off in one year. And this job is also close to home. So I have two opportunities awaiting for me.

Next week I should know more about it. My deadline to get a job was my son's birthday, but it did not happen. I am close, but so many things can happen. I am not even sure when or what I will be doing. But I am not discouraged. I am close to something...

I also had to go to court, with regards to the claim my basement tenants were making. I asked to court for an appeal and it was granted. Now, I have to fight this appeal to win the case which I think was unfairly granted the judgement in favour of the other side. Unfortunately, the judge was so busy he did not have a chance to hear us, and funnily enough the tenants upstairs were there too. Who knows why, they really have nothing to say to this equation, but we shall see.

I am tired of all these issues with my summer tenants, they don't seem to end. I just want it over. I have to go to court about 3 more times until the end of the year. The judge mentioned that he would not be able to hear our case until January and the tenant started yelling and asking that she could not wait any longer.. her screaming was so vulgar, I could not believe she could be talking to the judge in that way. She was suggesting to him to read the transcripts. She was telling him what to do.

Tomorrow we have the big party with my friends. I will have 20 people over. Not too many kids, but mostly my dear friends. I will celebrate it with everyone, it will be so much fun!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!

Reflecting

Adam playing around, pulling bottles out of the fridge

I am blessed, indeed. Adam will be a year old tomorrow. He makes me very happy. I thought I would not have enough love left for a second, as I thought Yael took all my energy and love, but it seems, love grows, multiplies, expands with every child. I love him. He is cuddly, rambunctious, chippy, huggable, just like a little teddy bear. He is very strong minded, and has a smile that brightens up every room. He makes a great mix with his sister, the dynamics of their relationship are ever unfolding and he is the perfect addition to my family.

I thought I would never have another child other than Yael, and when I realized I was pregnant again, I could not resist the thought of being guarded by some angels, of my plea being heard, of having everything that I wanted in life and more. This is Adam....

I am everyday in awe. Adam was almost born today a year ago, had it not been for the doctor who had to change my c-section because on the 11 of November, there were no surgeries to be scheduled, so he changed it for the 12 of November. I am glad he was born on his own day and no other celebration would take place, so we can focus just on him.

Adam brought on a lot of challenges for me as a single parent. For one, I only have one pair of hands and I realized, I needed more, and was told I could not do it without help. Those who suggested to get help were right. I feel I can be a better mom when I have help; now the details can be arranged by others, and I don't have to worry about everything all the time. And now I wish I had help at all times, so I can mother better.

I now realize that one cannot be a poster mom, happy, smiley and hip, all day. I have some days were I have to find the patience somewhere, to keep cool, and have some perspective, after all, kids are kids and should do what kids do best: play all the time. But whining is also part of the mix. I am not complaining, just saying that some days are tougher than others, when you have a whiny child, or two....

The whining can go on for say...two hours, and there is little to be done when you have to cook, bathe, and put to sleep these two little angels. But it is only once in a while that I feel like that. I can't imagine what it will be like when I start working. I imagine that it will be compounded with stress from work, so I have to find outlets to relax. Not easy when the kids are 24/7 with me. A challenge that I am sure all single moms have.

However, I am the luckiest woman to have these two adorable children. They are my light. I think now that I am having a better time while looking for work because of them, because I have something to look forward to, because they motivate me, make me feel it is all worth it, and because I have someone to do this for. It is very rewarding.

Now, Sundays are the best day of the week. I get to relax, enjoy both kids, there is no rush to go anywhere or do anything we don't want to do. It is our time. My kids have filled me up with happiness, with joy, with a raison d'etre. When I wake up, or rather, they wake me up, I reflect on the days when I was alone, and it is definitely, infinitely a better time, the best time of my life.

I would not change a thing; if it was my destiny to be a single mother, I have already felt at peace with my decision. I am also thankful that the kids have a known father, as I see how Yael and Adam have a bond with XP, and there would be a void had they not had a father figure in their lives, but my instincts were right, the kids benefit from a father figure. I don't regret it. I don't think that his not living with us will be detrimental to their growth, quite the opposite; it is more positive that they see us relating to one another like two normal adults that live in separate quarters, but are able to communicate decently. Instead of growing up in a hostile environment. I know that my story is a little bit more twisted and not very well understood in general, but I know in my heart, I have done this without the intent of harming anybody. I have done it responsibly and I am pouring my heart out to my children.

My children will always be loved, I hope their father loves them too. Yes, they were not born out of the love of two people for each other, but for the love of having children (at least for me), and for the lifetime commitment I was ready to engage with ever since they were thought to be born. Their father never thought in his wildest dreams he would ever be one, and yet, life circumstances changed, and he allowed me to fulfill my dream because he thought I would be a great mom, and yes, I agreed to go ahead with it, knowing his short comings, and also not even knowing how the potential outcome would affect me or my children negatively, but we cannot think of everything to bring the least amount of harm to them.

We can only hope to do the best, and that is what I am doing with both kids. He also did not realize how this situation would affect him (not living or seeing or growing up with his kids) but the reality is that we are trying to do the best we can. We both fight for the kids. It is a good fight, it is worth it. It is better than indifference. It is not harmful. I would not allow it. At least not consciously.

XP believes that I owe him my life because according to him, he is the one who gave me the gift of life, but honestly, I was going to go the route of an unknown donor sperm, had he not been around and our relationship deteriorated right around the time I got pregnant. I can only say I tried. I tried everything possible to make it work, to make it stick, but once I knew the relationship would not get any better, I had to move on. I was heading towards IVF on my own, but he insisted, he offered to father my child (while separated), and in my desperation I said: OK. The rest is history.

I owe him gratitude for fulfilling my dream, but I think that if he wants to be a father around the children, he ought to fulfill not only his rights, but his obligations. I don't think that is wrong. I think it is the way the children will accept his father better. By taking responsibility for his role towards them. And that is what the argument is all about. Nothing wrong with it, just the approach. His approach is: "I did the dead, now I don't have to do anything else...", my approach is: "if you did the dead and want to be the dad, do the job"

What I mean is that my gratitude should not be endless, just because he did the dead, or that his job ended when he did the dead. His job should continue and mine too. The fun is over, (not really, the fun just started, at least for me) and it is time to roll up his sleeves and work hard at being a dad, and take responsibility for his role. After all, I did not coerce him, he accepted his decision and the consequences of it, and now, what is done is done. The relationship did not work out. We tried. It is time to focus on the kids (which is what I love best), and stop fooling around with solipsistic pursuits. Don't you think?