Demeter's 2 Joys

Ending the year at the Museum

2011-12-31T13:12:00.001-05:00

At the entrance of the ROM main hall, behind: an allosaurus

The kids had been waiting for a visit to the museum, as I have been taking some books from the library and sharing history with them. Yael is very eager to see the Egyptian civilization because she asked about mommies and Adam since he loves skeletons, I explained to him that we all have skeletons and showed him fossils from dinosaurs, and took so many different books from Dinosaurs that he realized they were not just about Halloween, prancing around. Yael now is able to identify if a dinosaur was a herbivore or a carnivore, all by looking at the fossils, so the visit was very interesting.

Behind is T-Rex, the most feared of all dinosaurs, he was a carnivore

We saw the Mayan special exhibit and Yael was with her guide, identifying the pieces and then we jumped to the 2nd floor which had an impressive collection of dinosaur fossils. I had never seen so many in one room. Reading through the books I took from the library, I myself was intrigued by these animals. I still can't believe they lived hundreds of millions of years ago. It boggles my mind. The kids' father bought the tickets and we spent 5 hours there. It was worth our time. Adam saw a big jaw and he recognized it to such extent, that he said: he lost his head?

Adam, looking in awe, at a huge mammoth.

When Adam looked at the dinosaurs, he said: "mommy, they are very, very dead"

Chanukah celebrations

2011-12-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

Lighting the candles of Chanukah, at school

Chanukah was very busy, we had 3 parties. All fun, but the last few days have been quite hectic. We had a few birthday parties plus staying home with the kids and working from home has given me renewed energy.

Yael, dancing with the crowd

We had a lovely Chanukah party at Yael's school, it was fantastic. The energy, the smiles in kids' faces was precious. Lots of fun. They hired a group to entertain the audiences and teachers, parents and kids joined the dance floor and did not stop until 10 pm. It was a very successful event, I must say and unusual for the type of end of year school event. It felt like a Bar Mitzvah. I loved it. I really love the school atmosphere, the parents and the teachers, they all make this school so wonderful. I get such a warm fuzzy feeling when I visit the school.

Kids having fun while making latkes

My kids are very happy. Adam is thriving and Yael is learning so much. I still struggle to come up with enough funds to keep taking them to this school, but that is another story. Still wondering what will the kids do next year, and if I will be able to afford full time tuition fees for both.

Adam dancing all night long

Her 5th Birthday: A princess theme

2011-12-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

My 5th year old princess

She was hesitant to have one, but finally, she accepted it. I called in a place. It was fabulous!

So the princess theme was the task. It was a place that had more than 200 princess customs for girls and boys. Two hostess and an incredible dining room, with real china and cutlery.

Wearing an Ariel custom, from her favourite princess

Yael invited all her girlfriends from school, all of them came. We had 13 girls and 2 boys. It was a full house. The kids dressed up, made a crown, had their nails and face done and then paraded the room with their dresses, greeting the crowds of parents. All had fun.

A princess cake for my princess

Yael asked me if there was going to be a Disney princess at the party, but I told her that the princesses were too busy at Disney saying hi to the kids, so they could not come by. I hope this did not disappoint her. Even Adam had fun.

Adam, the pirate

I suck at discipline

2011-11-28T21:58:00.001-05:00

I wish I could say that I have a handle on the discipline issue, but I don't. I find myself struggling with either too many rules, or not enough consistency. I am on my 5 book on parenting, scream free discipline, positive discipline etc...

I haven't found the happy medium. I believe in rules, in routine, and consistency. Kids need it, they feel safe around it. I believe that without discipline, they cannot achieve their potential. I had a very controlling mother who was either controlling, or absent, due to trying to deal with her own problems, and the very moment I find myself, even remotely simulating her steps, I panic. I think, I am better than that and I am a very present parent in my kids' live. But it is so hard to find a happy medium. I have read that neither threats nor prizes are good for kids. And I have it very present in my mind that children deserve all the respect they can have, they will become what we make of them.

I read to them, I play with them, I make jokes, I make funny faces, I build castles, and puzzles and tickle them and allow them to sleep in my bed sometimes (which is like a treat). But some times, when I am reaching the end of my patience, it is hard to think of anything else other than venting it out. I have chosen a mantra: "compassion". Every time I want to vent out, I think of this word, and hope for the best, hope that I will diffuse my frustration and wait for the best and weather the storm.

Adam is still in his terrible twos. Yael is incredibly mature for her age, and perhaps has stabilized (it took her two years and that is being more mature than her brother). Adam's tantrums continue, and this may not change for quite some time. Discipline is definitely an art form.

When I hear them negotiating toys, sharing, saying please and thank you, I melt. But when they ask me: "mommy, are you upset?" it terrifies me that I am leaving the impression in my kids that I am constantly upset (which I am not, by the way, but it is important to recognize what the kids' impression is, as that is what matters).

I have started to give an allowance to the kids, I know it is early, but it is important to learn the concept of saving money, donating, and spending some in something they really like. I gave them cents to store in their little banks for every good deed they do, and my daughter has chosen to give away her allowance to our donation bank box, completely out of her own motivation. I melted.

When the kids fight for a toy, I ask them to ask each other for it, nicely, so they learn how to engage and negotiate with each other by themselves, without the use for an arbiter. Tissue is something I never learned myself. I did not have the tools I am consciously trying to teach my kids.

However, there is more learning for me to do as I want my kids to grow up strong, confident, independent and social creatures that respect and are capable of loving others.

Neglect

2011-11-28T21:16:00.001-05:00

I can't explain the level of frustration I feel right now. This morning, Yael told me that her father left her and Adam alone, sitting at a bench at the mall while waiting for him to go to the bank to get some cash. A lady noticed the two children unattended and called security which then filed a report of the incident. This all happen while I went to run an errand for one hour. That is all it took. One hour of separation from my kids and this idiot cannot handle the kids on his own. This has prompted me to file a police report, and report his behavior as bizarre and completely neglectful of the kids. I still can't believe that he left the kids on one level of the mall and he went to another level. I don't know how long this took, but long enough for security and some people to be screaming at him from this, lack of judgement.

Not only was this incident crazy in many ways imaginable, but I had to endure also, the ranting and blaming me for the mother I am, for his stupid act of neglect. Never taking one shred of responsibility for what he did.

This has prompted me to remove all the tolerance I had for the situation surrounding his time with the kids, where I had allowed for interaction while not being around. This too will stop. He has earned my lack of respect and trust for him as an adult.

I cannot imagine the sense of loneliness and abandonment the kids must have felt when he said he could come back and left them alone. He is such a brute!
Yael seemed scared when she mentioned this. Even Adam was able to talk about the episode in his own words. This has been a traumatic event for both.

It seems ridiculous that a month ago he asked me to see the kids for 7 hours without supervision and in his own terms, without a plan and no place to go. I adamantly said no, no one takes kids this age, or any age for that matthew without a plan. I said to him that it will have to be for very short periods of time, with a set plan that I agree to and with me involved. He did not like it, but he has not earned it either. And neither e fact that he was visiting the kids at home until he started doing stupid things like taking food from my nanny's fridge with out her permission, or checking my phone caller I'd to see who I am talking to, or how many tooth brushes I still have in my bathroom.

It is all the same problem: he does not understand boundaries, and has a skewed understanding of responsibility towards little children. He does not see the consequences ahead of the situations kids face.

In part I blame myself for not being on guard to have prevented this situation, but this has also taught me a lesson, to never keep my guard down. There won't be a next time. I am dealing with someone who is definitely mentally Ill.

Adam's Birthday Party

2011-11-28T20:45:00.001-05:00

Adam's party was a success, he turned 3 amongst a group of 18 rambunctious adorable friends. He understood the concept of it being his birthday. He even understood that birthday meant lots of gifts, cake and partying. The playground was large and very clean. It seemed to have been recently renovated, as all the carpets even smelled like new.

There were so many siblings that I was left with one less loot bag for a girl, and instead I had to give out a boyish one. The two hours flew by so fast, I did not have a chance to spend quality time with my friends. The party is such that it does not allow for relaxation.

Adam's father did not even stay until the end, so I had to make 3 trips to the car to carry the gift bags, plus the children. I was so flustered.

The fun part of the day was when Adam opened up hips gifts and discovered the fun toys he was given. Unfortunately most of them were games, so he won't be able to play with them for a while, so they have been stored. He loved the ones that allow for role play and building blocks, such as Lego type ones.

Even Yael got lucky, as me parent gave him a kitten (not real) and she has a soft heart for all things small and cuddly. They were happy to share toys, and the afternoon disappeared that way.

Preparing for Adam's birthday

2011-11-07T21:49:00.006-05:00

Pumpkin arrangements near Niagara Falls

Adam's Birthday is coming soon! I have already setup his party at a playground, as I believe all his friends will enjoy jumping around, and being boys, they will want to be active.

He does not want to celebrate it. Every time I mention his name, he screams! He does not want any attention paid to him (at least that is what I have been observing)

This season is so exhausting, I have to make plans for Adam's and Yael's birthday (on top of Halloween) and then Hanukkah will be approaching shortly after.

Adam still likes pumpkins. I thought this would go away, but it has been a full year of being mesmerized by these veggies. Therefore, I had a photo of us taken at Disney, to honour his fascination for them

The most interesting part of Disney was the pumpkins seen on the sides near the entrance of Magic Kingdom. The place was lovely, almost fully decorated in preparation for Halloween, already in August.

Today, sadly, I came home in the middle of a dark evening as now, we have pushed the clocks back one hour. I am preparing to cocoon this winter. Already took a bunch of books to read to the kids over the weekend, and feel the effects of darkness and cold in our lives.

Yael, by the way, does not want a princess party (as other girls her age have done) she is done with princesses, I think. She still wants to wear pink and perhaps even enjoy a Barb*ie party. I have yet to make arrangements for her party, but should get going as her birthday is also coming up soon.

This weekend, at least, it is Adam's and all I have to do, is buy the loot bags for kids. This Friday, I will show up at his school to bring snacks (fruits and veggies) for his birthday. He is doing remarkably well in class. He signs, builds blocks, kids take him by the hand to play with him. He seems to be very happy. I am happy about that.

Funny Halloween!

2011-11-04T23:43:00.000-04:00

I consider myself fortunate, because I have two wonderful children. They are the joy in my life. Truly. But today, it seems, forces conspired to play justice against the wrong person. I lost a small claims court case that was based on a pure fabrication. A tenant was awarded money for lying that he lost contents that were not what he lost. It was all made up. I was the victim of circumstances in this case and could not believe that the judge could grant this guy, monies to a completely fabricated statement of claim that he had his property stolen.

Bad things do happen to good people. It happened to me today. I believe that some day, he will pay for his lies. I want to move on, and just take the loss and not feel bitterness in my heart, because I have to remain positive for my kids. I have much, too much to be fortunate about. The father of my children says that I should simply move on, and not let this incident affect my outlook for the sake of my children.

So on a good note, we celebrated Halloween, it was beautiful, it was cute and the kids had a blast. They carved a pumpkin with their dad. Before that, we had the visit of a cousin of mine who spent a few days with us. She is so adorable. She came all the way here to see us and we loved having her around. Adam wore the clown outfit that Yael wore when she was 18 months. He loved it! So much so, that he would get so upset if the hat fell that he would put a fit. While Yael had a beautiful princess dress lined up, and did not want to wear it. She is no longer interested in being a princess. Which is good in a way, because I think that she is her own strong self and does not need to hide behind a princess outfit, and because I do hope that she feels loved enough to believe she is "my princess" that she does not need an outfit to feel special, that I think it is ok not to wear one. So she wore a lady bug outfit. And she looked so cute!

I have not been able to blog much lately due to my workload and the demands of my children. Although they are growing up, they seem to always want to grab my constant attention, and I still feel I don't have much time for myself. There is no ME time in my existence. I am not complaining, but I do feel a sense of exhaustion that comes with the daily grinding.

Adam is showing signs of gradually learning potty training, but it will be a long and arduous haul. It is happening though and I am happy about that big milestone. Let's see how long it takes to remove his diapers from him, completely. My nanny is doing a phenomenal job with him and he is maturing.

However, Adam is still in his terrible twos and the one who throws tantrums is his very own. So, I am bracing myself and patiently waiting that it too goes away. I have two very strong and spirited children.

Work is ok, it is an obvious statement that it is intense and I am certainly earning my money. I don't have a period of rest, it is go go go, non stop, but also, I do get paid for it. I do have a fantastic mentor and the person I report to, is someone that I learn from and think she is extremely capable. I am overall happy with this contract. It is due to end in February, but the project does not end then, so if I am lucky, I will continue to work there longer. I don't want to think of what will happen when it ends. I think I will cross that bridge when I get there. I have been there 3 months already.

Adam's first day of school

2011-09-13T21:40:00.002-04:00

Adam building the pink tower in his class

It was as I thought it would be, Adam's first day of school was a success. It did not take very long for him to warm up, only one day, and he was already enjoying the new class, discovering the material and he cried just about 5 minutes. His teachers are great. I requested that he be placed in the classroom where a specific teacher was recommended to me. I knew he would enjoy school. Now we will have to see if he makes friends, he is on the shy side, but I am sure he will find some and that is when thing will get even better. He won't want to come home. It will be too much fun.

Yael was adorable with him, she took him by the hand and led him to his class, and stayed with him until he was comfortable to be in the classroom by himself. But he had been dropping off his sister for a year now, so it was a very familiar place for him, and he would cry to drop her off and not being able to stay himself.

All in all, a perfect back to school fall. It all has started back again. Yael's piano lessons, sportball for Adam and I have my plate full. Work is fine. I am on the third project since I started and things are going to get very hectic now. I am not planning on adding any more activities this fall-winter. This will be enough to keep up entertained. Unfortunately we will have to do Saturday and Sunday piano. Two trips to the conservatory downtown because they could not accommodate my schedule (to have both classes in one day). Oh, well. But the teacher is great. She has been teaching for years and is really good with kids.

It is going to be a great year!

Both kids love to sing, and are musical. It gives me such joy to hear them sing. My heart is full. Full of love. These two kids are my rock!

Back home from an unbelievable vacation

2011-09-13T21:22:00.001-04:00

Waiting for the Magic Kingdom parade

Having breakfast with Pigglet

It was a successful vacation after all, even despite the fact we lost our flight (due to the father's papers irregularities). We completed the itinerary flawlessly. Almost to perfection. The kids loved it. They had a chance to experience the magic of the place and also rest and spend time with their parents. This place is truly magical. Customer service is the best I have seen anywhere. They adore kids and it shows. It is a place where you feel proud to be a parent and understood for wanting to make their wishes come true. All we want is our kids to smile.

I consider the trip a success because Yael would say to me: "Mommy, can we stay here for ever?"

I prepared a surprise for both of them on the 3rd night we were staying. It was an invitation to see the princesses to a royal breakfast for Yael and to see Woody and Buzz for Adam with a package that contained toys, crowns, and candies for both. They were so excited!

I had arranged a character breakfast every morning and the magic began. We saw all the shows for little kids and went on all the rides that made sense to them. The only place we could have explored more, was Animal Kingdom because it is so large and it started to rain so much, we arrived a little bit late to the park and it closed too early.

I made a "one toy per day" rule on the trip. So they kids chose one toy each day at a toy store, and were so excited by that, it was like the highlight of the day. So when Yael saw more than one toy she wanted, she would say: "it is ok, I will come back tomorrow", while Adam would pick the smallest of toys, because he enjoys being able to carry to toy in his hands.

I think it was a success. And I spent less than I thought I would (aside from the flight lost incident).

I am so happy that I was able to give my kids this experience. Adam is very young and he may not remember, but for Yael, it will be so memorable. She will cherish the memories.

Oddly enough, we just had one encounter which almost led the father to leave the parks, for the unreasonable delay that we had in the boutique where Yael had her makeover. Sorry, I don't make the rules here, I told him that sometimes you have to wait, and he should have understood that. Other than that, it was like schlepping around 3 kids. He had no initiative to do anything, he was just coming along. But helped with the kids. Going without him would have been suicide.

Outside of the one day we lost, the trip went so well, I could not believe myself. Part of the success of the trip was due to the careful planning instead of the wandering around checking out what to do or see. I had everything planned from morning to evening with breaks, pool, nap time and dinner.

The kids did not suffer too much when we came back and their father left, I thought they would cry but they we ok. We went back to normal.

One day less

2011-08-29T10:28:00.001-04:00

Sitting here at the airport killing time awards me the opportunity to witenagemot some memories of our Disney trip. It started with some hiccups, as we lost our flight due to customs delays. The unfortunate situation forced us to buy a new set of tickets. We went back home to sleep overnight as we could not get tickets for the same day departure. To make matters worse, our next morning flight was cancelled. So here I am, waiting at the terminal for 3 more hours for another connecting flight.
In the meantime, the kids have made a makeshift camp site, with blankets and all, and are having a great fun.

Kids always manage to entertain themselves no matter what and no matter where.
In the spirit of our vacation, I am not fussing about our additional costs, but I saved no money on this trip. It has no longer been a bargain. Next time, I will buy trip insurance.

Oh, well, this is life!

At least we are in good spirit and still looking forward to the fun!
I have made some character reservations every morning that now had to cancel for the first day of our vacation, but the interesting aspects of it, happen near the end, so nothing lost. I had a floating day to just relax and take it easy, so now, will be packed with a 4 park visit for each day of what is left of this vacation.

I wanted to visit a water park, but now, there is no longer time for that. Today, to make the best of what is left, we will be going downtown Disney, to the Lego and the Disney Stores...

This situations are part of vacationing, so one has to remain resilient and optimistic. I will still have to embrace hours and hours of lineups, but can't wait to see the wonder of my kids' eyes when they see all the parks and what they have to offer.

Over and out....

New Job, New Vacation, New Beginnings!

2011-08-11T21:03:00.003-04:00

Potty Training: Not working very well..

I am so happy to have given my resignation on my job. My smile that day was from ear to ear. I have not been around here because work has taken a toll on me. The days of stress and anger and disappointing days are over. When talking to my brother, he mentioned to me that weeks back, he could notice the stress on my voice, even without seeing me. I was not able to sleep, or be clam around my children. It was not a way to live anymore. He simply said: "Your life is more valuable than that dear sister", and he nailed it.

Now that I am working at the other job and I am already seeing that people recognize me for what I do, I really like it. I have just started, but it is a good start. I feel appreciated and the group I work with is great. Nothing like working for a drag.

In two weeks we are heading to Disney. The kids need to live this with their father, so I extended the invite to him. They remark vividly when they experience things with him and I, even though we don't interact with each other. He is still their father and the kids love him. I respect that. My kids relationship with their father is important to me. I do it for them.

Another good thing about this change is not having to look at each penny every month. I have raised my nanny's salary with a condition to babysit the kids once a month on a weekend day, to make her happy and also to be able to go out with my friends.

I am so looking forward to our summer vacation! It is coming in two weeks and I can't wait to see the kids' faces when they see all the Disney Characters. It will be memorable. I have booked restaurants with characters, the hotel, and made an itinerary of what I would like the kids to see (which is more relevant for their age). They ask me every day when will they go to Disney.

As far as our next big milestone: potty training; we are not getting anywhere. Adam is not making headways into sitting in the potty for a reason. He plays with it and he pees elsewhere. I don't have much time left to train him. Only 3 weeks, and he is not keen on doing it. If he is not toilet trained, he will not be able to start school, as they won't change him in that school. I am already worried.

Planning a vacation?

2011-06-27T22:26:00.003-04:00

I love them

Today I received my contract papers to sign and it did not take me very long to start planning a vacation with the kids. And what are the alternative destinations I would desire to entertain?

7 Day Disney vacation (although I don't know how I will survive that one alone)
7 Day Club Med vacation (that might seem a little bit better but still just beach and playtime at the sun)
Just a few days at Niagara Falls with lots of planned activities at Marineland, Bird Kingdom, and a waterpark to make it more fun, but with nanny by my side.
My dream vacation is still a Disney Cruise. But that one, will have to wait longer to come true.

If my nanny cannot get a visa to travel, there is no sense in traveling alone with the kids, it is too much work, the extra ticket pays for the comfort of having a second set of hands while traveling with the kids and not having to deal with the stress all by myself.

I am still hesitating whether it would be a good idea to take such young children on a disney vacation yet. Any ideas? Any luck readers? I would love your input. I was going to wait until my son did not wear diapers, but I would not want the magic of their childhood to disappear, from this trip.

So I have not signed my offer yet and I am already spending the money... Bad girl! No, no, it is ok, I can do this. The kids will love it.

When I think of my kids, I always think of how I would have liked my childhood to be, what I dreamed of when I was a girl, what I would have loved to do, to play with, to be with. This is the dream I am trying to re-create for my kids. Each vacation is planned thinking of all the dream like activities I would have loved to have done while I was the kids' age.

Because it is so easy to think like a child, I get really excited about planning activities for my children. My vacation planning takes months of work. I research prices month after month, to see variance in costs, alternative dates, and places. When I am getting closer to what I see as a good price point, I close the deal. It is fun! But also very time consuming. So this is what I do in my spare time.

This is the reason I don't have time to get into the dating scene. Nor to get into a spa to pamper myself. Until that is, a friend of mine looks at my hair and gently says: "Dear, you need to be pampered" without obviously telling me that I have a few more grey hairs than I should have. I don't feel offended, she gave me a gift certificate for a spa, and that is so nice of her to do.

After almost a year of not going out on my own, I went out this weekend with my friend who is temporarily visiting from France, and the one who gave me the spa gift certificate and we went out and had a wonderful dinner. It was worth it! We had a fabulous time!

Next weekend, I am organizing a surprise birthday party for my dear friend, and I have already invited all of her friends who will be attending. She will love that! She deserves it. Who knows when will we have her visit us again. It is a treat for both of us to be together. I miss her a lot.

I might be taking only one week, and I have already asked for it. I need a break between jobs. This is the type of thing I want to do in my spare time, not stressing about work all the time. I was able to sleep for the first time this weekend. I did not wake up in the middle of the night as I usually do, thinking about work. It is over now, at least for a while. I am glad to be moving on...

Offer received!

2011-06-24T22:07:00.002-04:00

Yes, as I expected, today I received an offer from the company I had waited to hear from, for two months.

After my 3 interviews in one day: morning, lunch and afternoon and back to back meetings all day, I don't know how I survived it, but I was definitely excited about getting such interesting opportunities on the table. I was interviewed twice for the first company I expected to hear from (the one I waited for, for three months) and the other two came up just this week. This is how hot the market is.

The other contract was interesting too, they offered me to be an associate of the company, and be the consultant representing it. However, this one, was simply not at the stage I could wait (several interviews before an offer could be made, perhaps 3 weeks or even more turn around), so it made my decision even easier.

I will be able to have a good night sleep. Earning double what I do right now, will definitely make a difference in having peace of mind and saving some money for bad times...

So happy! Now I need a vacation! Let's hope I can squeeze one week.

The very awaited moment!

2011-06-22T20:52:00.003-04:00

"Planting little seeds, looking at a snail live in a pot"

It finally arrived!

I had my interview with the potential employer. The interview went so well, they wanted me to have a second one with another department to consider me for various roles within the company. My luck is such, that I heard from 3 other recruiters looking to fill roles for their competitors, all competitors of the company I am working for right now. Certainly a privilege place to be in. Tomorrow, I have 3 interviews. Early in the morning with the same company, different department. At noon, for the second competitor, and later in the afternoon, another one with yet another competitors. The market is really hot! Really!

From the very little hope I had last week, to having a sad and stressful weekend to having a week full of opportunities. The work world is open to me. 2 of them are contract while one of them is full time. I am not going back to full time. No sense. The market will continue to be hot for my experience. No reason to go into any full time role.

I am very happy, and expect a very positive outcome form this week's interviews. I would hope that next week, I will be announcing my resignation and move on to another interesting adventure.

I know that being on contract might be a little bit more risky, but the time in between will allow me to be with the kids and not suffer financially. This will be good for my kids. All contracts are downtown, so I can still go to work by subway and my nanny can keep my car.

If I get this contract, I will book us all for a last minute one week vacation somewhere. It will be a nice break.

This way, I will also be able to spare some time for other important things, not trying to look at my expenses on a monthly basis to see where I can cut corners. I would also like to earn more money when I know I can do it, because I have proven myself I can do it. I have done it for this company and I know I am very underpaid. This job pays double in other companies, even a full time role. I am confident now, that I am capable of doing it and I will do it.

Being on contract offers another opportunity. Meeting new teams might be stressful at first, but once the work is done, it is easy to move on and look for other interesting projects. I am feeling good about this change in my work life. I work hard anyways, but at least I am getting paid for it.

I am going to do my best for my kids! They deserve it!

Wish me luck!

Waking up!

2011-06-15T08:55:00.004-04:00

I would agree that most households with children, have a hard time getting those little darlings to sleep. The video above is about a book that is making sensation in the parenting world because it uses ordinary language (and even coarse, at times), to exemplify the ordeal we go through to put children to sleep. It can take hours, leaving personal time to a few minutes before us, parents drop dead on our beds.

For me, it is not bed time, but wake up time, that is the horrible part of my day with the kids. I don't know what it is, but it does not happen on weekends, it happens when I am most hurried and want the kids to get in motion and get out the door so that I can get to work on time.

Kids seem to like the choir of crying, whining and ranting around. They don't like what is available for breakfast, they complain about getting dressed up, and rushing out the door. My daughter wants a different show-and tell-toy every day, which she leaves at school most times. And the daily battle with brushing her hair, and her clothes (she prefers dresses when it is colder than usual) don't know if it is on purpose, but it happens, and it happens a few minutes later than one would wish. It is nightmarish.

I usually loose my cool in the mornings, when kids get very stubborn, like my daughter wanting more milk on her cereal that never eats. Or my son who wants to stay in his PJs because he loves the print in them and does not want to wear normal clothes, or wearing the wrong type of shoe for the wrong type of weather, or not wanting to wear anything at all to protect their hands, head, etc (like gloves, hat, mittens). It is not a pleasant sight. I try to have a few minutes of peace to plan my working day, but it seems, this is the worst time to do it. I do not enjoy my coffee, and I want it to be over as soon as possible.

The only comfort I get, is to kiss and hug my kiddos before I am dropped off at the subway station, I say goodbye, I always say I love them, I kiss them and hug them and that is when they finally quiet down. Why is this? The other comfort I have is that my nanny does not loose it, she keeps calmer than I, and helps me weather the storm. This is the not so nice part about parenting, at least for me. I don't have a lot of patience for the crying, wailing and whining. I will look forward to the day I don't hear these sounds anymore. (it seems very far away into the future).

Next big step!

2011-06-10T20:24:00.002-04:00

I have actively searched for a few job opportunities, and the market is looking very good. It is an employees' market, definitely a lot of demand for good labour. I am feeling confident that something will come up. I was very close to getting an interview this week, but for some reason, there continues to be delays. Don't know what to think at this point, but I would not jump to just anything, I want to get something good. Some of the opportunities I was most interested in were far from home and required a car, and my nanny needs it. I have to carefully chose what my next move will be, but I am feeling better than last week.

Work is at its worst!

2011-06-05T19:03:00.007-04:00

This is a shot from the movie "UP"

This is my daughter's interpretation of it, (to the right, the family)

It is time for me to leave. I had it. So much work, so much effort put into this and such little recognition of the personal hours and commitment put into it! I am fed up. I had my review on Thursday, and I got criticized for something that I had very little to do. There is no ownership of responsibility where it belongs.

A while back, I was called by a recruiter (this was 2 months ago) and I am still waiting for the interview to occur. They said that as soon as someone was interviewed, it would take 2 weeks to get hired. This is a contract position which I have been waiting for the last two months. I am still waiting. I have everything lined up to get going on this, but I have now actively contacted other recruiters in my roster. I am so tired of this environment. It is too stressful. Not worth it.

My project is ending soon, so it will be a good time for me to move on, close a chapter and call it a day. My health is more important and my children deserve a sane mother. I have contacted a few people that I can trust, and will be waiting for this famous interview.

On the lighter side of my life....

Yael is starting camp in July and I was able to get her to go both months. I am trying to get Adam to do a sports ball camp with his father (dad and tot), so that will be a treat for both, and some rest for me. Adam is starting to paint his nails (just like Yael does) and that is starting to give me an indication that he needs boy activities around him. I am not concerned that he does that. It means nothing, other than the fact that he sees me and Yael do it so he wants to participate too.

The funny thing about Adam is that there is definitely a love affair with pumpkins. It has not gone away. Ever since we introduced Halloween last year, he has been talking about pumpkins. Just as other boys at his age love cars, trains, dinosaurs, and the rest... he loves..pumpkins. Which makes him very unique. I love him for that.

While Yael, she loves to paint her body. Every time that she gets a chance, she has covered her body with markers, her arms, legs, face with stick able tattoos, and the like, and face painting, hand painting and drawing in general, are definitely a must in this house.

I have not been able to sleep lately, due to work. Today, I decided, it is not worth it. I will enjoy my kids.

Their smiles, keep me going

Too much going on to blog about

2011-05-27T19:11:00.003-04:00

After enduring so much rain, enjoying one day at the park

There has been so much going on that I have not had the time to stop and reflect on it. Like Lara said, my daughter's piano concert was the best gift I could have received as a mom. It showed me that the relentless work of being a mom pays off.

On that Sunday, their father kindly took us for lunch, which was a nice gesture. The kids loved it, and were so well behaved, I thought there was something odd about it. I don't know if they did because they saw their mother and father together, but it was a moment I enjoyed watching in the restaurant. Their father and I are not talking. It is very strange to share the same room. He and I don't meet eye to eye, so all time spent together is very awkward.

Nevertheless, I guess as a SMC I could consider myself lucky, because I was celebrated on mother's day. Being a mom is a very rewarding thing in my life. It is also exhausting.

A few birthday parties and swimming lessons passed by. The kids are so lovely. Adam is truly enjoying his splashing in the pool with mommy. While Yael is also getting closer to dipping her head in the water. I have realized that it was not smart to book swimming lessons during the winter. It is too cold to enjoy it. I will instead set it up for Spring and Summer. I managed to get Yael into a great summer camp. She will be attending alone since Adam is too small for it yet, but next year, both will go. Adam is also starting school in the fall. I am excited with the prospect of seeing his evolution as opposed to Yael's in the same program.

On another topic, I have not heard back from this recruiter about the interview. He still says they will call me. It has been 2 months now. I was expecting the process to be slow, but this is ssssllllloooowwww!

I have made up my mind though. I will make the move. I am getting closer to the conclusion of my project so things are looking good for the next big thing.

We have not received the employment approval for my nanny yet, which takes longer than one would expect, but she agrees to stay while Adam goes only half a day to school. I am ok with that. Adam can go for half a day for the first year, but next, both kids will have to go full time.

Work has been very stressful lately. I am handling two projects that take up more than one person's time. So I end up working a few more hours when I get home, every day. I am not having any rest.

I was talking to a good friend that this is the hardest thing about being a single mom. No one ever pampers us, no one looks after us. No one looks after our needs. We have to make every effort to also make time for "me" time. I also find that, to be the strangest thing. I don't know how that would look like in my life. Would I ever allow anyone in my life to be in that role? Is there someone who is capable of doing that?

Our kids rely on us, we are their pillars. They needs us to be strong for them, to support them. But who supports us? Even when one makes a choice, to protect, hold and cherish our little ones, we need to feel fragile, capable of receiving attention at times, otherwise, we could brake.

My kids are my inspiration. I receive so much love and affection from them. I am eternally grateful for the blessing they are in my life. But there is something they cannot give us. Romantic love. We are deprived of that.

I have not made much effort to get out of "my kids' little bubble", and honestly, I find it hard to even attempt to do it. I feel like I do not have the means or the energy to do it. At the end of the day, I really can't think of doing my make up, or my hair, or even have a romantic conversation with a prospect. When that happened last year, the kid's father went nuts. So nuts, it discouraged me to go out again. He was totally out of line and crossed boundaries. Since then, I have limited his access to my life and as a result, the kids see him less (once a week, for a few hours). I have to do this for myself. But I really don't know how this option will fit into my life. One thing I know for sure. The less I am in touch with that side of me, the less I see myself as being capable of tenderness, and softness and gentleness. I feel like I am constantly tired, constantly trying to appease two whining toddlers and also trying to constraint myself from outbursts of explosion that I cannot afford.

I am sure I am not the only parent, and that even when there are two parents in the house, it is difficult to deal with young kids and their demands. But when you deal with them all by yourself, you are left with zero energy at the end of the day. I hope I don't get sick from this. I never realized the energy required to take care of little ones.

Brilliant!

2011-05-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

Yael's first solo piano concert

She was dressed like a princess and felt like a princess. She was excited, but focused. She practiced enough to feel confident and comfortable with the music she was going to play. We arrived at a theatre for more than 100 people audience. The building was part of the old conservatory of music, the concert hall where I would assume, most students display their talents.

I brought both kids and some friends arrived as well. I mentally prepared Yael for this day, for weeks. I asked her father to bring a gift for her, after she had played, so that she was aware of how proud we were of her and how much it meant that she achieved such great results.

Yael did so well, she was so calm, so focused. She was amazing! Not one missing note, her tempo was perfect, all her notes were played so well. She impressed me with her playing skills, she even impressed her teacher! This is one talented girl! And I am one proud momma!

While Yael was getting all the accolades, Adam was suffering from not getting any of the attention, it all erupted with a tantrum at the theatre, and he had to be pulled out of the place, to ensure all other student players were able to focus at the piano.

It was a room full of parents, grand parents and friends of the students who played either the piano or the violin. All very well trained and prepared for this big day!

the face of disappointment after his sister got all the attention

Which makes me feel so sad for my son. I have to do something about him, but it is too soon. Perhaps next year, he can start an instrument. Perhaps Piano too! Who knows... we shall see how much more energy I have left.

This has been the best mother's gift I have received from my darling daughter! Love you sweetie!

Will I get a kiss tonight?

2011-05-06T21:08:00.004-04:00

A box is enough to spend hours of fun

..and a hug mommy? ....And that was just enough to melt me away! This is what Adam said tonight before going to sleep in his crib. And then he asked his sister to hug him and kiss him, and that just about made me feel these kids are the most amazing thing in the world. I am so proud of them.

Tomorrow is Yael's concert and she is doing so remarkably well, I can't believe her progress, she even attempted to play pieces with both hands (same melody) without me guiding her. She goes to the piano without me having to ask her, it shows that there is something in her that she likes without my prodding, which is ideal as practicing an instrument can get tedious. I have to say that I am more than happy with her progress and what she accomplished this year. She seems to like it too.

Preparing for the big concert

2011-04-23T12:16:00.003-04:00

Dress for first solo piano concert - 4-yr old

Yael is preparing for her big day. I want to make a big deal out of it. I want her to feel very special and pampered. I bought her a dress that she picked, and she rehearses every day at the piano, her little melody, one that she plays very well I must say, and I am honestly amazed at the transformation of her from the first lesson to today. She plays all her 1st year songs, she has rhythm in her. At first it was hard to make her sit at the piano, she did not like it, I did not like it. I think things turned around when she requested to sleep in my bed in exchange for her playing the piano, that is when she started to play with more joy! Now it is so easy to get her to practice! I only have to say in a routine fashion: Yael, let's sit at the piano and practice, and she does! It happens every evening before brushing our teeth. It is wonderful. At least for now.

I know that she can do so well, she likes routines, and now, she is also enjoying her melodies. She even sat at the piano while my friends were home for dinner and played for them. I think I got it right, she has a sense of pride and self confidence. And that is precisely what I was hoping for her to get out of this.

Now, I have to get Adam to find something, something that he really enjoys, but it is much harder. He is too young. I must admit that Yael plays the piano because I love the joy of music and would love to impart it in her, and have given her, lots of exposure to music from a very young age, but Adam hangs out, in the hallways, and I have not taken the same approach with him, to expose him to something that he will be good at and enjoy for years to come. His dad is not a good example of following a dream, or of doing something and sticking to it (the secret of success for most things in life). It is my duty to find some activity for him and see him thrive. Perhaps swimming? Don't know, for now, he just plays with toys in the water, and watches as I carry him up and down the water (we are doing mom and tot swimming lessons), perhaps I can also include him in piano lessons, but that would be detrimental to Yael, as she feels very special that I do this with her and for her. This has become an activity that allows us to bond together, and she likes it because of that. She gets "mommy time" just for her.

I have done my budgeting for the remainder of the year, knowing exactly how much I will be earning, and having received my tax return already, so things are looking very tight, and getting Adam into a class would be out of limits for now. I have decided to just send him to Yael's school in the mornings, so I can keep my full time nanny. I think bottom line, it works out better to have my nanny all day and just give him 3 hours daily of Montessori class. The rest of the day is not Montessori-like so he is not missing much, it also means that nanny has to pick him up and then Yael at different times same day. That is not an issue. I am not saving any money at all, just spending it elsewhere. Had I taken him to school full time, I would have paid school tuition, and part time nanny, but I need the nanny more, than full time school for Adam at this point, he is too young and we can wait one more year for him to go full time. I do believe that he should take advantage of his eager curious mind. He is the kind of child that would really benefit from the Montessori program. I am sure he will do well.

It really is no surprise that our kids come out to be as their parents because of their parents. I was reading an article about a book where the author says the contrary, that no matter what we do as parents, our kids will turn out to be who they are meant to be (the famous discourse of nature vs. nurture). He says that as long as kids are raised in a happy environment, they will thrive, but that punishments and prohibitions do not work, kids will do what they want to do anyways. So he allows his kids to watch all TV they want, to play games to their hearts' content, etc. In my opinion, if you let the kids roam, they will roam, endlessly and with no goal in mind, no horizon in their future and no aspirations. It is equal to neglect. We instil goals, dreams, patterns, behaviours, and rules in kids. That is why kids with parents who have degrees, end up having degrees, careers, hobbies, etc; and the exception is when a kid rises above and beyond the parent's level of education or values. Kids need mentors, we are their mentors. And when something goes wrong, it is because love and attention was not paid to those kids.

When a kid gets into drugs, we are not paying attention. When a kid is involved with the wrong crowd, we are not observing very careful what they are doing, or who they are with. We are not communicating with our kids. Communication should be enabled at a very early age, for kids to rely on their parents when something goes wrong. When kids need help, they should be able to talk to their parents first. Not last.

But this post was not about what goes wrong with kids... it is about what goes right, and this is a moment I am so proud of my daughter, but it is a lesson for me to realize how much work is involved, and how much goes on in the background for these things to go right. For all those parents out there, who work tirelessly to bring up happy, kids, successful kids, confident kids, full of life kids, kids with a future, kids with curiosity for life, with tools to survive, tools to succeed, tools to be happy individuals, kudos to you, because you don't always hear this out.

Happy Passover and Easter!

2011-04-22T12:00:00.001-04:00

Yael drew a picture of the parting seas

while Moses (note with his cane) and the Jews left Egypt

I think it is brilliant for a 4 year old, don't you think?

This year I forced myself to put together a dinner at home and celebrate Passover with the kids, even despite my lack of energy and the stress I am going through.

I invited just most of my friends, even though only a few were able to attend. We ended up being 6 altogether, the rest sent their regrets as they could not come over for one reason or another. I worked from home and it all worked out. I was sick last week, and still worked 12 hours. These days working from home makes you work even longer hours than before; when you called in sick, you stayed in bed. I could not cancel any of my appointments, they were too important to cancel, so I conducted all these meetings feeling lousy and feverish. I think I had the flu. I usually do not get sick, but the stress is getting to me, bringing my energy and my natural defences down.

The dinner was great, I tried all new recipes and was adventurous in a way. My friends loved it. The kids too. At least I did it for my kids. I did not want them to miss this important holiday. It is hard to pull it all together by myself. Work has been the most stressful lately. I am getting criticism for my decisions and I am realizing that this place is so political that you have to navigate its waters very carefully. So a change is in the horizon and I will not budge at the possibility of taking another job soon. I have made up my mind about going back to doing consulting work. Whatever happened to me that I had to take a low paying full time job? Don't know, I just did not want to spend too much time looking, this opportunity came by and I took it, but the atmosphere is to stressful, and very frustrating at times. I work with a great time, I have nothing but good words for them, but my boss' boss is a pain, he is critical of me, and I am getting tired. I work 50 hours a week and do not get recognition for what I do RIGHT, it has to be criticism for what I do wrong?

I am focusing on my kids. My kids are my compass, they deserve a happy mom. They bring back perspective in my life. I will go for the consulting job, if I get it and move on. My aunt suggested I take a leave of absence from my current job and then, come back. I don't think I need to do that. I think that once I get into the realm of consulting jobs, I am in. Now, I just need that interview that I am waiting for.

Moving on? Perhaps!

2011-04-08T22:15:00.005-04:00

Playing House

Something unbelievable has happened, and perhaps at the most appropriate time: I have been presented with an opportunity to join a competitor company of the one I am working at, for double the money.

And this is not a joke!

The key here, is that this is only a one year contract, but knowing how they go, they last longer than a year up to two and then I can figure out what to do next, but decidedly, I cannot go back to full time employment once I have been in the contract business for more than a decade. It has been really hard to adjust to the world of being an employee. I don't believe in any of the perks or goodies they offer in turn for being part of the "team", I'd say: give me the money which is what compensates for what I do and bottom line: money is not compensating for the work I am doing. I have enough experience to know what to do and to be where I want to be. It is time to move on.

At times I feel like it could be dangerous because I may loose the stability I so much wanted, but who is to say that I cannot get a contract once I finish the one I could get next? I have been monitoring the job market and I have been receiving opportunities almost every week during the entire time I have been working where I am. I could almost say that this will continue, and I should worry when the contract is near ending. Of course, there is also the chance that they would offer other contract opportunities. This might be a good option. Even yet, I have been accumulating lots of recruiter information. If there is a time I do not have work, I could use savings (I would have enough to live for more than 6 months from it).

While consulting with friends, they suggest I move on. I asked my aunt, and she also said yes. It almost seems like I should take the opportunity.

I have not received the interview information yet, but they say this process takes less than 3 weeks turn around and it would be very likely that the candidate would start in early May.

This sounds very exciting. Even if this did not work out, the seed has been planted and I might move on with something similar. The recruiter offered my resume for 4 opportunities.

Stay tunned!

Life is overwhelming

2011-04-02T22:48:00.005-04:00

The daily fights to get a hold of the iPad.

At times life feels overwhelming. Life with two adorable kids. I say at loud, every day: "how beautiful they are", "how wonderful it is to be around them", "how sad it is that time is passing by, and this magic will be shortly lived". At the same time, my two little demanding toddlers run my life. I do not have a minute's rest. I can't even take a nap, or read one full news article without being interrupted, by their cry, their demands or their fights. I am constantly in care taking, and caregiving mode, I arrive from work, which is a stressful type, to more stress at home. It is the bitter-sweet reality of being a single mom.

A friend of mine invited me out, I said, "I would love to go out, but I do not have babysitting for my kids". I already feel guilty that I don't spend more time with them. I arrive from work and only two hours later, it is time to go to bed. My kids love to be with me, they are attached to me. If I am home, they would not want to play by themselves, they bring their toys to where I am and play on top of my head (at times literally). I love it and at the same time, I feel overwhelmed.

This year money is so tight, it is sad that we cannot go out anywhere if it means we would be spending money. I have saved everywhere I thought was possible to save any money. I have asked the kid's father to help a little, plus I am trying to figure other ways to earn more money, or cut on things.

I would have to spend money to get money (by renting out my basement apartment, despite the fact that I don't like the idea very much). I have to figure something out....

Back to the grind

2011-04-01T20:50:00.003-04:00

Sorry I have been absent for quite some time. I have been so busy, so exhausted and so occupied with the kids' activities, I had no time to come back to do some reflecting.

It seems like my vacation was so long ago...Work is stressful as usual, and it is not letting go. I took a blood test to which I have no idea if the results are good or not. I still feel a constant pain on my back and my chest, unlike earlier when I thought this was my heart, I am now starting to believe this is my lungs.

I will have to make another appointment with the doctor to check what is going on. It has been going on for more than a year now.

On the brighter side of things... Yael is playing her piano magnificently well. For a normal 4 year old, I am a very proud mom. She is playing with her two little hands, she practices her pieces every day and is learning a melody a week. She picks up music really quickly. This will get better. We are waking up at 7 AM on Saturdays to go to her class. It is a true commitment.

And instead of now, fighting not to do it, she enjoys her class and plays with enthusiasm. It does take time, but if they practice a little every day, and realize their progress, they get quite involved. I enjoy her playing. I am so happy to see that she is capable of playing the piano. She also sings. Perhaps because I sing, and it is such a natural thing for her to do. We transfer all those patterns of behavior without realizing how much we influence our kids. It is amazing.

What puzzles me is Adam. I don't know what kind of activity I will get him into, but I have to think of something soon. He is 2 1/4. He will start school in September. He loves reading, ia an active kid, but I doubt he will be playing baseball, it will be more like chess. But in any case, I have to find something more to his liking.

When I came back from work, I decided I had to stop the long working hours, I had to slow down and have more control over the amount of time I spend with this. I am managing, but still, it is stressful. Over the long period of time that I have been working, I observed that my team has not had the recognition it deserves as it has put so many hours of work. But I hope that at some point they would.

Back from a fabulous vacation

2011-02-21T21:12:00.003-05:00

"My little gnomes"

All well rested and recovered! I was able to disconnect, and spend time with a loving family.

It is surely a wonderful family. So loving and so attentive. All my relatives visited, most of them went to the cottage we rented out for the two weeks at the shore. My kids spent most of the time with my cousins, being entertained by them and their boyfriends.

We ate till we dropped, I gained a few pounds while Yael lost them and Adam returned knowing 10 times more words than what he knew before. He is able to say fluent sentences now. It is so cute!

Yael is so adorable! She loved playing the salon with my aunt and cousins. While Adam loved the water, the little pool I brought and the beach. Both kids were well behaved, but Adam would not leave my side.

My aunt prepared meals for 15 days, can you believe that? We ate amazing meals, all fresh, lots of barbecues (asados) and all home made. We only ate at a restaurant once. Lots of salads, and very healthy food in general.

My aunt who plays the role of grand mother (to my kids) and I got along well, but it was obvious that she was stressed out, she seems to be in the cusp of an imminent separation (after 35 years of marriage). It would be too sad if that happened, my daughter loves her and my uncle so much!

My other aunt, the one I spent the two weeks with, and her husband have recovered from a crisis (their youngest daughter was diagnosed with cancer, but thankfully early and after surgery for removal of the tumour and radiation she is in remission) , and this allowed them to reconsider their issues and after a trip to Europe, they have now become a lot closer to each other than ever, and after 30 years of marriage they can only see what they would miss if they separated than what they would gain)

Spending time with family was so refreshing. I spent enough time to enjoy their company without it being too sticky. The kids were constantly entertained, I had time to relax and not worry about being the entertainer all the time and did not have to cook, just help out around the house. All the elements of a good vacation with toddlers. The travel was better than I expected it to be with them. They behaved so well in the car after an 8 hour drive! unbelievable! I enjoyed them so much!

We had beautiful sunny days. Not all were hot, but all nice and let's face it, better than up here in Canada. I am happy, satisfied and so well rested that I am ready to take over the rest of the year with new energy.

My drug

2011-01-23T20:16:00.003-05:00

"Watching my kids in the midst of all their wonder, is my heroin"

"Kids are like heroin, a little heroin addiction. When it’s bad, you’ve never been so miserable, but when it’s good you’ve never been so high."

— Dan Savage

I Love this quote, it is so true...Parenting is an art form. The more I learn about my kids, the more I realize that we should have parenting classes to learn how to handle some situations. Sometimes they are not intuitive.

The book I read was really good. But it is much harder to put the concepts in practice. I am trying hard. I do believe the advice is good, but it takes a while for it to sink in.

In contrast, I heard about the other book that came out about Oriental parenting, and how it works best since oriental children succeed at everything they do, but that is not a very good comparison, a lot of oriental kids feel so much pressure from their parents that they are often depressed, and many commit suicide. Is that the end we expect?

What is it that we can expect from our kids? The best they can do, or to be happy? I wonder what it would be like if I do not put any pressure on Yael to do anything. That thought scares me. I have to be around to nudge her, to remind her to do certain things. She is good. Both kids are good. But I am sure that it will not be without effort, discomfort at times and disappointment, here and there. This applies to Adam as well, but I think he can concentrate more on his own; he is able to play alone without company. Yael likes to do things with you, she likes company, even when she sleeps. She feels better when she has someone beside her.

I am very happy with both kids, but when I think how deeply I can influence their lives, I start guard every word I say, every reaction I have when talking to them. All I do will affect them for ever. The perfect balance is so difficult to achieve, and so much hope and trust has to be there to just let the little ones grow, trust themselves to be the best they can be and just enjoy the journey.

My doctor told me I had all the signs of stress. He does not think what I have is a heart problem, but we won't know until we get the blood test results back. He said I had to find ways to relax and take care of myself, but I am not a stressful person, I have zero time to exercise and taking care of the kids is not going to stop, so I was left with no answers to my dilemma.

My kids might be the medicine, the cure. They are my drug.

Negotiating skills

2011-01-15T10:58:00.006-05:00

My backyard after the most recent snowfall

I have been having chest pains for too long. I have not done anything about it. Sometimes it is a passing pain, like a dagger, it comes from the back or the front left side of my chest. I am not proud to say that I have been having this pain for a year now. I made an appointment with my doc, but won't be able to see him because I am on vacation.

I am certainly not too concerned, as I think it is all due to stress. Perhaps my vacation will be a good break to remove myself from this rat race and just relax a bit more. Putting 50 hours of work a day is stressful. Even if this is not going away, I will make an effort to re-schedule my doc appt and go after my vacation.

However, the nanny is working great, she is probably the best of the three I have had so far. I have not heard back from the other one, but I am going to take things as they come and deal with them one at a time.

Yael is doing so well with her piano. We have made an arrangement that does not bother me at all. Comes the evening, she realizes I will be telling her it is time to go to sleep (as soon as I put Adam in his crib) and she starts negotiating that if I let her go to sleep with me, she will sit at the piano and play. Since I did not coerce her into doing this and she is the one doing the deal, I agreed. We are both happy. I am happy because she practices piano and she is happy because she sleeps with me. I don't know for how long we can sustain this, as when Adam realizes she sleeps with me and he no longer needs the rails in his crib, he will want to join us.... I am probably getting to far ahead of myself, but it looks likely. However, the trade is great! She proposed it, she offered this to me and I accepted it, so I don't mind giving in for a little while. Besides, it is the perfect deal, because this way, she practices every day before we go to bed.

Her progress is great.

Adam on the other hand, handles my iPad at lightning speed. I think his vocabulary is expanding thanks to his exposure to the little apps I have downloaded. I feel no guilt from them using it because they are all educational.

Getting ready to leave, I have purchased all the gifts and things my family asked me to bring. I only have to pack, but I am also so busy with work that I don't even have time to have lunch.

I made an appointment to have a checkup before I leave for my chest pains. I do not know what it is, but it has not gone away, I can't procrastinate any more.

Yael had her annual check up and she seems to be the perfect child. Average weight, average height, and all normal milestones. She is 37 lbs and 39 3/4 inches.

This weekend I went to the movies with a friend of mine, to disconnect and have some entertainment. We had a great time, we saw the Social Network. We both liked it. We are both interested in this subject so we like to explore it. It is good to have a friend who makes some time to have fun with me, within my constrains.

Winter holidays

2011-01-08T23:28:00.002-05:00

I am leaving in two weeks. I can't believe I will be back home with my family. We will have a great time. We have planned to rent out a house, and spend the summer there (It is the summer in South America now) so I can shrink this very looong winter.

The kids are so happy and enthusiastic about it. They talk about it all the time.

Yael is the sweetest little girl. She is so lovely, and her little voice is so tender. She is blossoming into a caring, loving, little girl. She tries to carry Adam to places, she brings his bottle, his pillow and plays together with him so nicely! I have to capture those moments. Those moments make me melt. I can't get enough of those. I think she is maturing because she is fighting less with him and sharing more. It is a wonder I always wanted to experience.

Adam's vocabulary is exploding, rather than expanding. He repeats everything he hears. Sometimes, he scares me of how he reasons, he is so bright! They both take my iPad and play with it all day long. All the apps are educational, so I don't feel guilty that they play with it, but since I got it, I can't have it. It is worse than the remote.

I can't believe how adorable this kids are. I am so blessed! They are such sweet children!

The New Year

2011-01-07T22:23:00.000-05:00

As I was getting a new nanny, I suggested her to start on the first day off I had which was Monday, so she and I could go through the routine and learn the rhythm of the house before it got hectic and I had to go to work. But as a starter, I asked her to start cleaning. And cleaning we did. We spent 8 hours cleaning. I helped out. I did my share of the house, putting things away, cleaning the pantry, the drawers, removing small clothes from the kids' rooms, removing clutter, it was a full house makeover. I was sick of the dirt around the house, the mess and the lack of order. I can't think straight when it happens. I thought to myself: "She better get used to the idea that I like things clean and organized from day one, so there is no excuses later that the workload is heavy and she is not used to it." So, to my surprise, she was slow, but a very detailed cleaner. I like that. She is very warm with the kids, much more so than my previous nanny, I guess each one has a unique quality that I like, but she has done well, we survived the first week of the year.

The full renewal of the house coincided with my office move as well. We are moving to a new floor. All my department. It will be great. New furniture, new meeting rooms and no more sitting on temporary tables.

I actually did not plan to do anything this year for the New Year, I simply stayed home the entire time, did not even go out with the kids. We spent quality time together and we were like a mass, moved together from room to room. No interruptions from anyone, just the kids and I. I needed a lot of rest from the stresses of the year, and I am ready to tackle this year with full energy, but the much needed cleaning was the best thing I could have done around the house. I feel like I can think now. It gives me peace of mind. Can't explain it any better.

I also spent time doing my budget for this year and things are very tight. I will struggle with the bills and if I have any additional expense that is not expected, I will have to resort to my line of credit which I won't be able to pay out for quite a while. There won't be many outings, nor vacations after my 3 week in South America. So that will be the only time I will be taking off with the kids. This year, my expenses have doubled with Adam's school tuition fees, as I have to pay his school year in advance of his start date: September.

My nanny in Mexico has completed and submitted her papers. Not sure if she will get the permit, but said that the Embassy was really quiet, almost empty. Good time to submit papers, perhaps they will work faster. However, I will have to find something for this nanny who is working for me now if the other one comes over, as I promised her a job and she has made the expense of traveling to Mexico to get her permit. It won't be hard. We will manage.

Another radical thing that changed in the new year was that XP is not coming home anymore as he has been used to. I was so tired of him snooping in my room, my phone conversations and who I called or who called me (through the caller ID) that I told him that he should not expect to visit my home anymore, as it won't be possible. If he wants to visit the kids, he will have to go to a public place and see them there, or he will have to see them in my basement, but access to my main floor is not allowed. He does not like it, but tough luck, he did not respect the boundaries I set for him so he lost his right to be in my house. He still does not understand it, but I really don't care. I had it with him.

I know Yael is sensitive to her dad not being here, and the fact that he was around 3 weeks in December was an issue because they got used to his presence which then disappeared. I am going to make sure the kids see him, but I am not going to compromise my own need for privacy and my comfort around the house because he is around and he cannot see the kids any other way. I am tired of the incessant calling, the long winded emails and the constant complaining about this and that. He has never been my husband, and will never be. He took the liberty to ask me questions that are so out of place that I had to ask him to leave the house.

I can't believe that I have to deal with this, even despite the fact that we were not in a relationship when the kids were born. He took advantage of the situation and now he is going to have to back off and see the kids in a restricted fashion. Too bad for him. He kept recriminating that he was the "nanny" and that he did me a favour with the kids, and keeps forgetting that I continuously do him a favour by allowing him in my house, inviting him to holidays, to be with the kids, to have lunches together, to be around the house so they could feel a sense of normalcy.

One day the kids will decide for themselves what they want to do with him, I will not be the judge. They are too young to understand anything. Eventually, justice will prevail and I am confident that I am providing the best that I can give my children, even despite his ranting.

Yael's first lie

2010-12-29T08:37:00.004-05:00

That smirk!

I was waiting for it to happen, as I was admiring Yael's inability to lie for the longest time, but it happen at the doorstep of her 4th birthday. I was already in bed and after the umpteenth time, Yael came to my bedroom and told me she had thrown up in her bedroom, as I was going to get up to clean it, she said, "but mommy, I will clean it up", I said: "did throw up in bed?" She said: "No, on the floor, but I will clean it up, you don't have to come in", that is when I realized, she was covering it up. I think this stemmed from a few months ago, when she was really sick and threw up on my bed, and I took her care of her, and over the course of those days, she slept with me. She must have felt the comfort of being with her mom, and thought it was a perfect excuse to invite herself to my bedroom and again, sleep with me.

She had been sleeping in her bed alone for months and things were working out fine, but just recently, she wanted to come back. So, I allowed her to "clean the floor" as her face was almost white when I was about to get up and help her out..." But I did let her know that I was sensing it was not true, so her serious face turned into a smile when I suggested to her that I did not believe she was telling me the truth. So I did not want to make too much of a big deal to the situation, I simply said to her that it was ok and she could go back to sleep since the floor was all clean, and then she realized that the recently fabricated excuse did not hold very well, so she told me in a sweet trembling voice: "mommy, I don't like to sleep in my bed, I don't like my bed, can I sleep with you tonight?" So I gave in. There is plenty of time to learn and a very important time to bond. No big deal.

I read somewhere that when kids lie at a young age, it is not necessarily a bad thing, it means they are highly intelligent, as they need to plot a whole story to come up with all kinds of scenarios and they require to think hard how they will do it. I will let her know that it is not a good idea to lie, regardless of the situation, but on this occasion, I let it go.

Getting herself dressed up for the first time

2010-12-28T08:22:00.000-05:00

Sweetest princess

Some times it takes the right phrase and a milestone that should have happened earlier, suddenly happens without warning: Yael put all her clothes on without any help. It was a much anticipated milestone and it happened effortlessly. I told her that her friend (a few months older than her) already did it because she was a grown up girl already and that was the trigger for her to come back all dressed up with clothing she even picked herself without assistance. What a refreshing sight!

The art of learning new parenting techniques

2010-12-22T20:52:00.003-05:00

My sweetest cutie pie

Who would have thought that you could also grab a book about parenting? I usually don't like the "how to" books when it comes to anything to modify behaviours, simply because I think that behaviour modification is not about a formula. You have to understand the underlying motivation behind the behaviour to expect change. Well, I am so impressed by this book. It is against the rewarding or punitive methods of parenting. It is all about real democratic parenting. No more timeouts, or stickers...It is very much in sync with Montessori, which allows kids to become independent, resourceful, capable and courageous. It talks about the 2 Crucial C's: Connection, Capability, Counted, Courage.

I am more than half way through. I am so glad I grabbed it. I could relate to so many of the examples laid out. What is most important is the underlying message that the child wants to convey, and therefore the attention seeking behaviour is the weapon used for us to respond. So brilliant!

In just a few days, Yael has stopped crying for everything she wants, because instead of me getting upset and irritated at her whining and crying, I come down to her eye level, and ask her what she would like to do, and talk to her in the same voice as I would another adult. She immediately stops. She now talks to me, she kisses and hugs me. She needs to connect with me.

I somehow knew that she wanted attention, I just did not know how to respond to it positively. I can't wait to finish it all, I am so glad the examples are working and I am learning some interesting techniques on how to handle different situations.

Sometimes I think to myself what could be the outcome of a negative interaction with my daughter and my goal is to have a healthy, confident, strong daughter. She is all of that, but I am so influential in how things could turn out for her. If I show her respect, she will respect others, if I show her cooperation, she will be cooperative, if I infuse confidence in her, she will feel she is capable of anything.

I do not have an out of control child thankfully, quite the contrary, I think I have two adorable children, they are my daily inspiration. They are pure. If anything, I am the one who might contaminate them with my lack of guidance, or parental ignorance. However, I always use the rule of "when in doubt, seek information..." I feel less discouraged now...

Good parenting lessons

2010-12-20T19:51:00.004-05:00

My spirited kid

Since I am sometimes clueless as to how to manage my own little princess, I have found a source of information that has answers to my inability to get her to respond to her mom.

Of course, it is not just my problem. Since it is a very common problem to have a strong minded child, and her rivalry with her sibling sometimes comes in the way of our interactions, I thought, it is time to go back to the books, start reading up on some child parenting techniques and see if there is something I can learn to make things better for her.

She is obviously sending a message of "wanting to be heard" of "being in pain" at the thought of "not being listened to" or that "I prefer her brother rather than her". The trigger was her comment that "mommy you are yucky , you are upset all the time"! It got me stone cold and that is when I clearly saw that what I am doing is not working.

I must confess, I swing from being too permissive to being too disciplinarian. And what I dislike the most is when I yell, and say: "Please stop what you are doing!" Mommy has said it is time to do such and such....", " I told you to please do this", etc... you know the drill.

I disliked my mother's autocratic style and refuse to be like her. I do not want to see myself in that role. I want my children to trust me, to come back to me, to feel embraced, respected, loved, and close to me, for ever. So I found this truly inspiring book, it is called: "Honey, I wrecked the kids..." It is perfect. It addresses the situation I have with both my kids, it explains the dynamics, and the challenges, and it even describes situations that are so similar to my interactions with my kids that I feel welcomed to the party. Easy to read, it is not patronizing, it shows how by making small changes we can build little by little, the precious self esteem kids need to feel independent, loved, and respected.

The good news is that there are some good pieces of advise that I am already making happen for my kids, but it opened my eyes to the realization that there are other ways to teach and lead kids to cooperation that are not necessarily the way I was taught or the way I want to parent my kids.

(Taken from the book) I loved the list of things to do as a family (of which I make many of them already):

Pay attention to the little moments
Ask your kids what they did during the day and be attentive to them
Sing together
Ask their opinions
Share a joke together
Share a chore
Make up nicknames for each other
Invite them to talk about their feelings good and bad
Don't allow the phone to interrupt your conversations
Create common experiences
Let them tell you about their feelings without interrupting them to "fix them"
Ask them to explain things to you
Make decisions together
Magnify their magnificence
Plan things together, incorporate them in the decision making process
Welcome their suggestions
Expect their best, don't expect perfection
Empower them to be themselves
Introduce them to new experiences

I know that when we are tired, we are running out the door to go to work, are so busy to keep up with the routine, we miss out on the daily bonding that needs to happen for things to run smoothly, but with a little bit of patience and time, things do turn around so nicely!

I have promised myself not to yell at the kids anymore. But if I am tired, ran down, the kids are drilling me like a screwdriver, and it gets to my instincts before it gets to my psyche, and I react. The way I react is not noble, but I get to the point of rupture when I yell. The immediate result might be silence, but the not so immediate result is that kids start to fear my reactions, or become confrontational themselves. So this is when I must redress what I am doing and change my course of action.

The good news is I am doing some things right. But I could also improve on a number of others. I will put them into practice and see what changes.

I especially want to do this mostly for Yael, as I feel I am not being fair to her, her brother is younger and he never gets the discipline I am imparting her, I do believe there is a perception that she is not treated in a fair way as her sibling. I do not want to encourage that, but I am letting it happen by proxy.

Both my kids are very strong minded. They both can make themselves notice. They both can cry, and scream for a while. This is what I am going to try to minimize, it is not likely to stop because they are very young children, but I would like less of it, so I will put into practice these interesting set of techniques. I will let you know what happens.

On a positive note, I almost melted when Yael saw the piano cover open, she went by herself to the piano and started to play her melody without my prompting, or sitting next to her, I was cooking and heard her playing. I realize how much the lessons are working. I hope she could do it more often. She is so capable and so smart. Her learning abilities are starting to shine through, she is now counting more often and I see a little bit of math concepts being explored. She is also recognizing more and more letters. I am so proud of her.

My dearest friend

2010-12-18T23:45:00.003-05:00

My dear friend and I celebrating together

Words cannot express how sad I am today. My dearest friend is moving back to France. I have known her for 16 years. She is like a sister to me. She is my closest friend. I feel such a void. At this age, friendships do not happen so easily, so spontaneously as they used to when we were young. I will miss her so much. She is a wonderful person. I call her "auntie" in front of my children, because she truly has been like an aunt to them. She is sweet, motherly, caring, and so kind. My life will not be the same without her. She will be missed. Her and I have been through so much together. From relationships that came and went, to work, to moving.

Our lives have been very similar. She arrived here at almost the same time as me. Neither of us has any relative near us. All our family is back home. We have survived without a family network, without support. She is truly a strong person. But she found herself in a big vacuum when she and her common law boyfriend broke up after 18 years. When they broke up, they sold their home, they moved into an apartment one next to the other, she could not brake her ties with him. She also lost her job, and to make things worse, her house pet. A little cat that was not doing very well health-wise.

They were never able to have children in their relationship and that made things dissolve a lot faster. He had never been able to keep a full time job. He would prefer to not work full time for the rest of his life, and depend on others for support. His work ethic has very little to desire, and most of their relationship has been more unequal in that she has been more of a mother figure to him, than a real balanced relationship between partners. He cheated on her, many times. The last one was the straw that broke the camel's back. He unrepentantly brought his new fling home. She said it was enough. So here we are.

All of this has triggered loneliness and depression in her which resulted in her deciding to go back home and re-do her life back there. I am uncertain how this will work out, as she has been away for most of her adult life, but truly wish her well. I hope that she finds what she is looking for. I, for my part, already feel a void.

She is the warmest individual I have ever met. She is so tender towards my kids, almost like we were sisters, that is why I will miss her. No one, other than XP, is there for me. Well, at least I can say that XP is there for me. Even with all the fights and the back and forth.

But back to my dear friend, she is unique, irreplaceable. She is the only woman that when I have a conversation with, understands me truly, deeply, and honestly, the way I really am. She has always stood by me, defended me, and never changed her mind about where she was in relation to me. This is a great loss for me. I had a confidant in her. I am not someone who talks on the phone with friends on a frequent basis, but when we got together with her, it was intimate, to the point and profound. No chit chatter. It was real.

Even despite the fact that I am a city woman, and she comes from a small town woman, we both have similar passions, we love classical music, arts, culture, we love to talk about politics, religion and other cultures. We are curious, informed about the world around us, and literate. Many of the people I have met have not shared these connections with me, and it feels alienating when it happens. She made me feel like I belong.

Even though she will be coming back this summer, she is moving back to France for good. She would like to be a few months here and a few months there, but I know that considering her family situation and her parents aging, it will not be so easily to come back, once she is there. Her father is not well and that will complicate things. This is the reason I am so sad. I know she may not be coming back and that is what saddens me the most.

Yael's 4th Birthday Party

2010-12-13T21:42:00.007-05:00

The challenge: To make a little doggie in one hour

Instead of cake, I ordered cupcakes with her name on it, she chose the hearts

A sparkly cupcake (it almost fell apart from its heavy weight)

All 15 lovely creations, all made by the kids themselves

A cupcake balloon, and her favorite animal: a dolphin

All taken by the sparkles, Yael is trying to blow this candle

Yael's 4th Birthday was a total success. All kids enjoyed it so much, they even talked about it in school today. If the kids remember the day after what they did at a birthday party, you can call yourself lucky. We had 15 kids show up. Only 3 were missing. It was quite full anyways and the art studio was too small for such a large crowd, but I got great help from the studio owners and they seemed to do a great job during the process of building the little craft dog. More photos to follow...

Yael received beautiful gifts, lots of books and games. Very thoughtful of everyone too, as all of them are interesting. I would say that most of them are educational, which is what I would buy for her anyways. Yael had a wonderful time with all her guests and enjoyed making the little doggie herself.

I also found the most amazing crafts as loot bags for kids to take home. They were little animals they had to assemble at home. They were incredibly inexpensive. And most kids were impressed with them.

I ended up exhausted! I am still so tired. I need an energy pill or something to recover....

Anniversary at work

2010-12-10T21:55:00.003-05:00

Doing arts and crafts together

To close the end of a very busy year of work, I got a raise and a bonus which will be paid just as I am about to leave on vacation. Woohooo!

What better way to celebrate the end of the year eh?

I had a great performance review. I have yet to show that I can do extraordinary work by moving a series of projects together, but for now, it is still work in progress.

I have booked our tickets to go visit our family in SA. I am so excited. We are renting out a house near the beach and the family will stay over, some cousins will come and go and stay a few days. It will be so much fun!

The kids will be so happy to see my brother, aunts, uncles, cousins. I am so happy. I have advised at work that I will be taking time off and it will be a slow time so I will take advantage of it to go away. It will be fine.

I am happy at work, it is a nice place to work, the people are nice and I have a great sense of accomplishment. I have not found a nanny, but If I do, she will have to start when I come back from my vacation. We shall see. In either case, XP will take care of kids while I find one.

The week was less stressful that I thought it would be with XP at home with the kids, but it is in part the fact that he and I barely talk (I want it that way) and I barely see him. I also arranged for him not to see the kids over the weekend (so he can take that time for himself, which is great because he does not have to be around my house during the time I am at home with the kids) and the rare contact with him is a solution for me as I don't have to talk to him.

One of the requirements of taking care of the kids was that I did not want to exchange an unnecessary dialogue with him. So, I simply ignore him. This way, we have less friction. It seems to be working.

Today, I sent Yael's school a request for assistance with the tuition fees as I will have both kids next year and it will be a heavy burden on my financial responsibilities. I hope they accept my request. It is amazing that Adam will start school in just 9 months from now. He is very familiar with the school, the teachers and the kids. Kids are very fond of him, I am happy with the school and the sense of family, of community we all have.

Last night, we went to a Chanukah party at the school, 97% of the school members participated. It was an incredible turn out. It was very well organized. The kids sang, played ran around, they had so much fun, I could not bring them home. My kids were almost the last ones to leave. It was lovely. I did not realize that Yael had brought a few new kids under her wings until now, and it was so wonderful to see. She is taking care of the younger ones in her class. She takes them to different places, she shows them how to use the school material, and takes care of them. I met the parents at the party and we were very happy to see the kids embracing each other so warmly. It was inspiring to watch.

This weekend is Yael's birthday party, 17 kids have accepted the invite. It will be a very hectic party. The kids will love to make a clay art work project.

After this weekend, I am really going to rest. For the next few weeks until the new year I am not planning anything. Will stay home with the kids, relax, chill and not run anywhere for a while. Might work from home since it will be very quiet and lots of people are going to be away.

Chanukah

2010-12-06T09:21:00.004-05:00

Yael cooking fake latkes

Lighting the fake Menorah candles

We have celebrated several Chanukah parties with the kids. They were all very nice, but bottom line: 8 days of partying is exhausting. Plus, gifts for both kids, it truly brakes your wallet.

What swells my heart is hearing Yael sing the songs of Chanukah (it feels like school tuition fees are worth it). I also sit down with her, and tell her stories, and read her books about Chanukah. There aren't a lot of books out there, that would suit my taste, as some of them are too religious (which is not the level of observance we have at home) and some of them do not have good enough plots or are engaging enough to keep her interested. But I found a few.

Talking about books, the most engaging book I found that kids were talking about for months after the celebration, was the Pesaj book: "Let my people go..." Yael and Adam still remember it from last year. This is what I call a good book.

However, Christmas is so predominant, that Yael asked me why we did not celebrate it ourselves. The response was too complicated to deliver (since she is only still 3 years old) so I said: "because some people celebrate Christmas, some people celebrate Kwanza and some people celebrate Chanukah, and even more so, some people celebrate Halloween and some don't)... So there it is, she was satisfied with the answer so far, but she can still sing the songs of Christmas and when she sees the lights in the houses when we travel in the car, she says: Look mommy: Christmas! So cute! And now, she says: Look mommy, they celebrate Christmas! and when she sees a menorah, she says: "Look mommy, Chanukah!. So I think the message was delivered....

My departing friend..

2010-12-05T20:32:00.003-05:00

"Mommy, give it to me, I can do it...". A few minutes later, this is what I saw...

Another girl called for the nanny job, she said she would be at my place at 3 PM for an interview, she showed up at 4 PM. I took off and almost did not see her coming, but said: " I waited for you for an hour, I have things to do, sorry, I cannot interview right now (it was true, I was leaving the driveway to take the kids out) and she did not show up today. Cool, that shows perfectly well that she is not the person I would hire to take care of my kids, she is too irresponsible.

So another week with no one at sight as a prospect to take care of the kids. Meanwhile, XP is already backing out of the deal, first he begs me to take his offer to take care of the kids and then, one week, only one week later, he is tired of doing it. As I thought so, he now feels that I am taking away his opportunity to make real money (like he had not had a chance to do it before, right?) and would like to move on...

I got really upset with him and asked him not to see him over the weekend, and I really felt better because over the week, we only crossed a few minutes here and there and not enough to cause me to reject him. I told him not to chatter with me, because I am not interested in socializing with him, and to just take it as a responsibility of taking care of his own kids.

I do feel better by not seeing him much, it drives me mental to see more of him. I do however, want to get my nanny back. I so hope that she comes back soon. I told her that I need her even if she comes back in 6 months. It is really unfortunate that the government does not care if one struggles to find a caregiver. They have a quota of immigrants and would not allow people in their black list, regardless of whether they have or not, all the qualifications.

My best friend came over this weekend. She is leaving soon, in a few weeks. She is going back to her home country and that is going to be so sad for me. She is my best friend, I will miss her so much, it won't be easy to see her go. I know she will be back in August of next year, but it is not the same as seeing each other frequently. It will be a great loss. I am so sad.

Murphy's law

2010-11-30T19:46:00.003-05:00

Yael and her beautiful smile

When bad things are supposed to happen, they happen. So this is what has transpired this week. Monday was supposed to be the first day of a new person working with us as a nanny, she did not show up, today, another person promised to come by for an interview, she did not show up, next...

Now, I have to deal with not just not having a nanny, but having XP take care of things, because I don't have a better back up plan. I was very straight forward with him, I told him I did not want him to take care of things, but he had to and I had no choice, but I made it very clear to him that I was not happy with this decision.

So I will have to live with this issue for one month, not what I expect, but only to buy me time until I can really find someone suitable to be with the kids until my nanny comes back and re-applies for her work permit back home. Not the best solution, but at least grateful that I have an alternative that is better than dropping Adam at a day care 1/2 hour away from home with strangers, whereas, when I leave him at Yael's school it is going to be a better transition because he is known and knows and is very familiar with the school. So in September, I will be happy that Adam starts the same school routine as Yael and is able to be with her during the school year. Lots to plan and arrange, but for now, I have to find a transition nanny to take care of things before I go ballistic with this man in my house.

All I could say to myself these days is: breeeeaaaaathe!

The whole family sick

2010-11-26T20:01:00.004-05:00

All we need, is to light it up

Making a home-made Hannukiah

It was bound to happen, first one child sniffles, then another one, then myself, all in a span of one week. I worked from home, but I had fever, I could not cancel my conference calls, they were far too important to postpone them. Yael was sick in the meantime, so she was with me, in bed and me taking these calls. At least she was quiet.

While Adam was playing in the background, it was not a problem because he was feeling well at the time. But he also fell ill a day later. All of us now in bed, coughing, sneezing, fever, body aches. Half of Yael's class did not go to work on Monday.

The weekend was a wash, I spent the whole day in bed, considering XP was going to come over and watch the kids. I could have not survived another day without resting and recovering from this flu. I slept 12 hours last night. I needed it too.

So today, I woke up, got the kids up, and felt rejuvenated. The kids were very excited to go to the Hanukkah party in our neighbourhood. We had a lot of fun. They organize a very engaging party, with arts and crafts, music and cooking. Last year we also participated and thought it would be a good idea to come back this year.

Giving back

2010-11-21T10:59:00.004-05:00

Love is doubled up by having two

I was reading through an ex co-worker's blog, about her journey to an orphanage in India. This place is where 150 children live, sleep, eat and study. They all have been abandoned by their parents. Many of them have been left there by the mothers who are working and cannot simply afford to feed them. Many are left there because their parents have died do to TB or other diseases, but their stories are often chilling and sad. Nevertheless, kids are there helping others, studying, playing, being around, or just being kids.

While reading the story of one of the girls who was left there; 13 years of age, brutally raped by 3 men who found her drifting through the streets of an inner city; I wondered how much love is needed in this society to cure the illness of many, and the lack of resources many people have. I continue to feel privileged to be able to provide shelter, education and tremendous love and affection to my children. Nothing small. But I feel so bad about those children who cannot get a daily hug or a kiss from a loving parent.

What an empty feeling it must be to be left alone in the world as a young child. I feel the pain of having lost my mother at an older age, so I can't imagine the enormity of the loss at a younger age. Something that cannot be repaired. Often times I think that the worst thing that would happen in my kids' life would be to loose their parents. The emptiness of not having your parent.

When I look through albums of photos of my kids I often reflect on the moments shared, and I really want them to remember their childhood as a cherished time. I want them to remember the laughter, the fun moments we spent together, the things we discovered, the places they were taken to and the love we give them, each and every day.

The overwhelming thought of knowing there are so many children left adrift can only be quelled by my devoted attention to my children. And the hope as a parent, that my children will contribute to society. In time, I will take the children to do volunteer work and help other kids in need.

Need some rest!

2010-11-19T20:09:00.003-05:00

Kids playing with Adam's new gift

So I managed to find a nanny in a very short time. She is from Paraguay, very sweet. She is one of 8 siblings and has had the fortune of being surrounded by babies. So no worries that she is unable to change diapers. She definitely can. She is quiet, but I am sure, capable of doing the job.

I interviewed 3 other potential candidates, but I think I am happy with the choice. It is only temporary as we are all hoping that our nanny comes back after re-applying again for a new work permit, but for that, she needs to leave the country and do it again. She should have every single requirement they are looking for and they will not be able to deny her the permit.

I cannot explain how tired I am. Tomorrow I will continue to run around with Yael, very early in the morning. So Sunday I am hoping to sleep some more and XP offered to take the kids out and allow me to get the very needed rest I crave.

Work is great, but very stressful. My project is coming down to the most critical point and it is when my time is most demanded. I am hoping that at some point, it will slow down.

I think I overdid it with the kids' schedule. I should only have one activity per child per season. The kids have 3 each. During the winter, I think we will slow down a little bit and make it just one activity each. I will also book my winter vacation soon. Will go away for 3 weeks to visit my family.

Adam is two!

2010-11-17T19:35:00.007-05:00

Adam, all decked up for his party

Playing with balloons

My sweetie had a lovely set of birthday parties. Over the weekend, his daddy took him to the toy store, got him a great gift, and (his sister got a little prize too) then they went out together, to get an ice cream sunday. While I was cleaning the house, and prepping it for the following day's party event. The brunch was also great. Everybody that I invited came over and it was wonderful to have all my friends there.

But now that all is done, I am so exhausted!

Adam's big two coming up

2010-11-10T20:36:00.003-05:00

My curly top: gone

Adam's birthday is approaching. I can't believe it is happening so soon. I remember when he was in my arms, all cuddled up, he and I, so sweet. What a sweetie! When he was born, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to love him as much as I do Yael, and over time, he has simply conquered my heart, he makes me feel such tenderness, different from Yael's. They both are such lovely kids. I love them so much!

He has evolved so much and so quietly with unassuming curiosity. He impresses me time and time again. Today, he said: Blue and pointed at it. I never sat down to tell him the colours, he learnt them by himself. I did spend lots of time teaching Yael. But never realized Adam picks things up from pure observation and all of a sudden, he opens his mouth and surprises you with the most unusual comments. Very cute!

He just had a hair cut and he lost his curly top, which was so attractive. Now he looks like a boy, more and more, and less like a baby. How fast time flies. Time is cruel. I love the time we spend together. He is such a happy boy. If he is not sick, he is a delight to have around. He sings, dances, plays with toys or takes books to read up. Sits on the couch and asks you to sit down with him and read him a book, or he is the one who tells the story.

I can't seem to capture enough moments of joy he offers. But I try to keep them by photographing them or recording them in my writing, so when he grows up, I can share with him, the joy of having him. Of having both my children.

As mothers, I think we always miss those baby moments. They come and go so fast, we feel like we did not have enough (even after we have endured the bad ones too, but it seems like those don't count, because we want more of those baby moments and forget the bad ones). The more he becomes a boy, the sadder it is to see how fast those days went by.

On the other hand, seeing how he turns out, how he learns and how he becomes his own little person is so wonderful that when I look back and remember seeing the double red line on the positive pregnancy test, and smile: saying "I am having this baby" was the best decision I have made. This little boy is such happiness to me. Love grows with each one of our children. They teach us so many lessons of love. Each day I learn to be a better person because of my children.

Nanny problems again

2010-11-08T21:07:00.002-05:00

Now this one was not expected. My nanny went to the border to get her work permit and it was denied to her. She crossed the border back and is on her way home, but I almost thought she would have to go back home (Mexico). I was so upset and frustrated that she did not get it. The reasons they chose to deny her visa are outrageous. She had all the papers they needed. They requested receipts from her work as a nanny back home. Who in the hell gets a receipt for work as a nanny? Not even in Canada.

We need to go to a lawyer and see if we can appeal this decision. It seems totally unfair. Very problematic. We shall see. She wants to know if I will wait for her to have a new permit to work for me, I told her that we will do anything possible to get her to stay here, but things are complicated right now.

XP offered to stay and take care of the kids, if I paid him.... That topped off my day!

Puppet making

2010-11-06T16:46:00.005-04:00

My dear curly top has had a hair cut. I will miss those lovely blond curls. He looks like a little boy, no longer a baby. Oh, dear, how fast time passes by. I can't believe my sweetie is going to be two in just a few days. I see his picks from the time when he was a baby and I can't believe how time has brought us here.

Today, I played briefly the Baby Ein*stein video for numbers, and to my surprise, he knew all the numbers, I caught him saying the number before it showed up on the screen. It has taken me no effort to raise him, other than the crying when he was an infant. I spent so much time with Yael, counting, telling her the names of colours and animals, and shapes: with Adam, no such thing, she has taught him most of what he knows, and it amazes me how much he does know.

He is very alert and manipulates objects very well, his dexterity is remarkable. He picks up information very quickly and utilizes it immediately after he's learned it. He will have no trouble learning. He loves books and listens to stories without moving from his place. Yael does the same, but Adam surprises me. He is not the aggressive type kid, perhaps because he is amongst two women, or perhaps it is in his nature, but I see a very well adapted kid in him, even as he enters his terrible twos, he is a good child.

Yael cries more often, or rather, whines, but when she is in a good mood, she is very docile, very accommodating and such a sweetie. I have found that the way to engage her in any activity, is to play a game with her. She is all for it and immediately changes her mood. So with her piano lessons, I try to engage her with a new game each time. She likes it, but if we insist on playing the same melody each time, she does not want to.

Today we went to the second workshop organized by the conservatory, it was a puppet making workshop. It was fabulous. Kids really liked it and got into it. Yael made a face on a piece of paper and then they all dressed a puppet with some fabric that was pre-cut already. The puppets were made out of cylinder cardboard, a sock and a face drawn with crayons. I could tell Yael was not too thrilled about it because she immediately gave the puppet to Adam, and said he could have it. LOL. She felt no attachment to the little object. Oh, well, it wasn't so interesting to watch. She liked something more formed. But it gave us plenty of ideas to do some artwork at home and the kids did warm and cold colours. They produced lots of art.

Pampering Oneself

2010-11-02T19:53:00.006-04:00

My princess dancing

I had an hour to kill while I waited for Yael's art class to finish so I booked myself into a nail salon. I got my pedicure done and waxed my legs. Oh, how nice it feels to have a pedi after years of not having one. It was the best investment I have done for myself. The next one will be my hair, but I have to make that appointment and I will do it from work. It is unfortunately a very long appointment. I need at least 3 hours, because this treatment is a very long one.

Yael did a marvellous work of art during this time, she painted a still life and a scene with a tree. It was so nice. I would like to frame it and take it to work with me. It is so poetic. She is an up and coming artist.

Adam stayed behind with my nanny. He gets very tired at this time and it is already too late for him. My nanny is so much easier to work with. I don't have issues to try to point things out to her, she takes care of what I ask her to do without having to ask her again or getting a push back for an answer (passive aggression). We are expecting her work permit to be approved soon, which is a risk at this point because they could turn her down for any reason. But I think she did everything she could to get all papers in order to get her permit. She wants it more than anyone, her boyfriend said she should return. She is going to the border to get the permit with the expectation that she will have it before she returns. I hope she does too.

But I wished my pampering lasted longer, today I had a hellish day. I had 100 emails, plus lots of deadlines, and lots of issues to deal with. It is crazy at work. I am so exhausted. XP just adds stress to my every day life. He tries to remove it, but in turn, he simply puts demands on me that I cannot put up with. Instead of making things easier for me, he demands attention, and complains about how I am so aloof with him (as if I could be anything else..) I cannot help it, he cannot help me. It is just as simple as that. I told him that if he could not help, he should not dump anything on me because I could not put up with more stress. I don't know if he got it.

Halloween Treat

2010-10-31T22:02:00.004-04:00

Adam never forgets his bottle when he command his spaceship

Yael, as tender as Snow White was with all animals

In Adam's words: bye bye punkin 'ween!

The kids had a fabulous weekend, we went to a community even on Saturday and a Halloween Party on Sunday. Even Adam got the gist of it after a few trick or treating in some homes. We went with her friend from school, and the parents of my other friend, and their daughter.

The entire weekend was exhausting from beginning to end, but it was what I had expected for the kids. They both had a ton of candy. Then when we got home, they forgot.

Yael invited her best girlfriend to go trick or treating, but she is so used to being on her own, to being an only child, that she goes to places alone and does not consider her to play with. While Yael waits for her, and feels disappointed by the fact that she is removed from the equation. I have noticed a few of these situations and it is regrettable that her parents don't so something about it, because this girl is going to grow to be very single minded if she does not have a sibling or if her parents don't point out to her that she has to share with other kids.

She is almost a year older than Yael and she is still young and at this age kids are very self absorbed, but these two girls have shared so much since they were born that it would be a pity for it to stop. However, in the last few months we had a difficult time getting together because her mother works weekends and the kids see their father Saturdays so we have a very small window of time to see each other.

Now that I am an adult I can say that I grew up without having the opportunity to realize until late (recently) that relationships are the most important asset in your life. Whether I have that or not to the extent that I would like it, is a topic for a whole other post, but I do understand how valuable relationships are. I hope Yael can nurture them, and is a better socialite than I am. But for what I see in her, her introversion will make her relate to very few people, although her relationships will be very deep; that is, if she is like me.

Adam is so easy going, so accommodating. He never complains, he loves his sister very much, but she is still very jealous of him, and with reason, he garners so much attention with his curly top and his charming personality, that her beauty, her sweetness and her gentle personality pale right next to him. But only because he is louder.

I spent brunch with friends this morning, and it was very nice. We had a nice chat; I had not seen them for quite a while. They liked the kids. They are a single couple and decided not to have children of their own, but they like children very much. At the end, the kids were a little frazzled so we had to go.

XP has gone back to his old ways, he says he wants something serious with me, but I do not see anything has really changed. He was simply competing for the attention the other man was getting from me. The same old trick. Now that he is gone, he is gone back to the same old way. I do not have any expectation that he will ever fulfill me as a partner. There is a lot of ground for him to grow that I don't see happening. He will be 50 next month, and I don't think he will change much at this point of his life. I asked him why didn't he work two jobs so he did not have to feel on the "verge of bankruptcy" -in his won words-. His answer was: "why was I putting him down..." He just doesn't get it. This round, I am not even trying. There is no curiosity in me to explore further with him, I think what we know is what we know and that is enough to understand that perhaps we are not good for each other. All we need to do is be good parents to our children. I don't ask for more.

Prep for Halloween

2010-10-27T21:02:00.003-04:00

Learning to brush my teeth

So here is the scoop: Adam will be an Astronaut and Yael, my princess, the obvious, a princess. This time, she will be Snow White, unless of course, she changes her mind.

Work is absolutely insane. Today I worked from home but it was not productive at all. Adam was not feeling well, and in the middle of a conference call, the door rang with a huge bell tone, (my door has an "It's a small world" theme when you ring it. And all the people on the phone started laughing when they heard it. I didn't. I was so embarrassed, but the crowd left the call with a smile on their faces. Ok, so that was my day. I was expecting the roof people to show up, they did, but did not end up replacing the roof. I went to Yael's school but her Book Fair day did not happen today, it was tomorrow. I should have not woken up today. It was an odd day...

Spooky Pumpkin!

2010-10-24T22:09:00.003-04:00

Carving a pumpkin

We enjoyed carving a pumpkin this weekend. XP went to buy a pumpkin and after the kids drew on it, he cut it's face. Not bad eh? The kids loved it. I think we had a very nice weekend. Running all over the place, but did lots of nice things for the kids. We did a halloween art project, went to all our lessons and bought some books from the local book fair. This afternoon, we all went to eat out and were exhausted in the end, but the kids did not want to go to sleep. There was too much going on to let it go. I am so tired that I cannot think straight, but I am very happy that this weekend was so much fun. It rained all day today. We nevertheless had so much going on that the kids did not notice.

It is so busy at work too that I am stressed about it. I hope we get to the end of the project with and meet my client's expectations. XP has been really attentive to us. He is enjoying his parenting role. Yael's perception is so acute, sometimes it is hard to escape. The other day, she asked him when he was going to marry me, and yesterday she asked him where was he going to sleep (because the basement is going to be occupied by my nanny and her boyfriend and he can no longer sleep there). He replied that he would sleep in the living room.

I was telling Yael how my best friend (who we call "auntie") will go back to her home, and she was concerned that I was going with her, so she asked: are we going to be with Daddy? And I explained to her that I was not going anywhere. I was staying. So she said and Daddy? I said, he is staying too, only auntie is leaving... She realizes a dear friend is going to be missed. Both kids love her very much, she is very loving to them. I will miss her too.

She separated from her husband a year ago and sold their home, she moved in to a small apartment and ever since her separation, she also lost her job. She has not found a job since then and she is not going to find one now that she has made plans to go back to her homeland. I have known her for 18 years. She is my closest friend. I will miss her greatly. She found that after separating from him she had no reason to be here, she misses her family, her parents are getting older, and she and her sister are the more responsible members of the family, so she is going back to help out. I worry that she will have a hard time getting a job there, because she has been here for so long, but she has skills to work anywhere.

My friend is a wonderful person, it is very sad how life went downhill for her. her relationship, stale, and lifeless many years before they separated, her job, jumping from one to another and no stability. Her career, did not finish her BA. She had to work to support her husband who decided he did not want to work more than 25 hours a week. So instead of her being able to graduate, she took a full time job, not allowing her to finish her own degree. And then, not being able to have children.

When I see that, I feel I have to bless my life every day. My kids bring me so much joy every day, they are healthy, normal children. That is a blessing in itself.

Party Time

2010-10-20T18:56:00.005-04:00

Is there anything cuter than this face?

This part of the year is non stop until January. First, getting the kids to their extra-curricular activities, and then their birthdays.

I just finished sending invites to all attendees. I have to organize Halloween, 2 Birthdays, and finally Hanukkah. Crazy time. And I have to do it early as there are no spots available for parties beyond a certain date, and it is the case for Yael that her school mates might be on vacation already by the time her birthday arrives. Not as much for Adam, but it is still a challenge for him because he is so young and I don't know that many moms that have kids his age.

I resorted to inviting my friends to Adam's birthday party and to a Clay Studio for Yael's birthday, where the kids will be creating a clay figure with their own creativity. I have invited Yael's friends from school and my friend's kids. I think that will do for now. Lot's of running still, to get a cake for both kiddos and cuttlery, decor, etc...

Adam's party is a brunch I will do at home. Invited my close friends (the usual suspects...lol) and for Yael only two pairs, the parents of her friends. It is so nice to know them and to be able to socialize with them.

I have so much work to do still. I am hoping that at some point after the new year, I take some time off with the kids and go to visit my aunt and cousins in SA. I think I will be able to go, but it will all depend on my project and its status. We shall see.

The other big project I am undertaking is the change of my roof. I decided that the only way I can protect my investment is by fixing the roof that seems to be in such bad shape that I cannot risk having it collapse this winter due to the cracks found this summer. They were partially fixed, but not to the degree that they could be sustained for too long. It will be happening in the next few weeks.

I will be hit with these bills in the new year and hopefully pay them with my annual bonus. Oh well!

Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star

2010-10-19T20:20:00.006-04:00

It is not just about talent, it is about perseverance

I heard somewhere that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become versant in any art, or technique, especially piano. Practicing piano is not a simple thing, definitely not for the faint of heart. And definitely not for someone who as a parent is trying to help their child play it, when one had not played it ever before. So here we are. I have a good knowledge of music, from my many years of singing lessons, from singing in a choir, and for my perseverance in reading music, theory, etc.

So this spills over into piano, but by no means can I say that I play the piano. I can read the music, but do not know the fingering techniques, or the specifics of piano playing. This will be a journey that I have to learn with my daughter, as I guide her through the practice of lessons.

After the piano lesson we had this weekend, I can assure you that knowing a little bit of music helps more than not knowing anything. The lesson went so fast that I don't know what can be captured by a 3 year old. I tried to digest it myself and hoped that I did not miss anything, but it was not possible to impart this knowledge in a young child within such a timeframe.

However, we are going to take it piece by piece, by rote, and we will get it. Tonight, we did just that. Young little Yael got half of the first Piano lesson from the book by perfection! And she wanted to repeat it over and over. But it was not until I placed a few colour stickers on the keys so her little fingers could jump from the first note to the last until she recognized herself, the melody. Very cute! I walked out of the room, and heard the song from the beginning to the end. It was such pleasure!

Princess Birthday Party

2010-10-17T20:57:00.004-04:00

My princess Yael

It was such a busy Sunday! We woke up, went to the gym, then out for lunch, and then to a birthday party, it was a princess party. I was hoping Yael would have fun, but all she wanted was cake (she loves the icing). She did not want to play with the party girl. She is very transparent about who she likes and who she doesn't. Even though this girl has been to our house several times and Yael also has been to her house, they don't seem to connect. However, then after a while, she enjoyed doing crafts (a heart with stickers and glitter and bead's bracelets) then they read princess stories and ate cupcakes, with icing. Just what Yael was looking for.

It was fun after all. Adam was fantastic, he did not fuss, he sat down and read books with me. We were not supposed to stay with Yael, but I was concerned that she would not have a good time, so I stayed. It was not an issue for the parents, but people are not used to inviting everyone to a birthday.

Then we rushed to meet other friends and Yael played with her best friend. They had a great time together. They were at a playground that had lots of toboggans, and inflated castles. It was tons of fun. Adam also got into it. When we arrived home, we played a game to put our pyjamas on and all went to bed in such a short time I was impressed. Kids went to sleep right away. An awesome weekend!

Long day at work

2010-10-15T20:17:00.002-04:00

I think, once this project is over, I will print myself a T-Shirt that says "I survived this project". Today was an interesting day, we had an all day workshop, that may not happen again for the life of the project, but it was important to have it. We had a very productive exchange, although to some people unreachable and not all really important people being part of it, but all in all, we were able to get something out of it.

I received an award for the effort in putting it together. I am honoured, but the project is not complete, and I really hope that we can cover what has been promised. I am glad my efforts are seen and valued.

The team is great, I have a good working relationship with them and I think that after today, we will have a different level of commitment. Hopefully this day allows everyone to understand better what we are doing and for what we are doing it. After the project goes live, I will consider myself a hero for having accomplished such effort. We shall see!

The conversation about death

2010-10-13T20:36:00.002-04:00

Having conversations with Yael is always fun

I have been trying to avoid the subject of death since I did not know exactly how children react to the idea, and decided that when it was opportune to mention the subject, I would explain to Yael, the real meaning of death.

While looking at some photo albums, we found a few photos of my mother who has passed on a few years ago. I went on to explain that we lost her due to an illness that no medicines could cure (cancer) and that is why she died. Don't know why it suits the description of dying as easily as going to heaven, but I did, and as I was telling her, that very very old people also die. She immediately mentioned my dad, and that was the point I wanted to make.

Perhaps thinking that sometime in the not to distant future we will have to re-visit this subject again, it became an important point to go through this as "getting hurt" was only going to last so long. I explained her that all people who are very, very old die, but old people could be very healthy (like grandpa is now) and also people who get sick and there is no medicine to cure them (like my mom). Surprisingly enough, she followed my explanation with ease and she asked very pertinent questions.

I was concerned because some kids are negatively impressed by some ideas, death is a very strong a meaning and it makes an impact to younger kids. I will how it affects her after a while.

I wanted to make sure that old age did not automatically mean death, but also that illness is not irrecoverable and it does not always end in death. I think the message was clear, because Yael said her stomach was aching, and wanted medicine and likes going to her medical checkups, as usual. So it seems the message was successful.

Beautiful October Weekend!

2010-10-12T21:06:00.003-04:00

Yael taking several pony rides, as they

were all included in the entrance price

"punkin boken" (broken pumpkin" referring to

the scarred pumpkins found in the farm)

It was fabulous! Sunny, warm, and a perfect long weekend to say goodbye to our lovely summer. XP and I took the kids for a full day at a farm, with animals, rides, pumpkins, pony rides, and cart trips with horses through the fields. It was the perfect plae for kids my age. We invited our friends, Yael's school-mate and parents to the farm, we all had a great time.

As soon as Yael saw her friend, her mood changed, she enjoyed all the rides, and spent most of her time with him. While Adam had a blast with the pumpkins, he couldn't get enough of collecting them and showing them to his dad.

I was going from parent to parent, to share some time with them. XP in his all to known bad habit of being social, kept to himself, as usual, always aloof, non-communicative, and distant, typical of him. I wanted the kids to spend time with him, but when it comes to him being civilized, fat chance. Every time he sees someone other than us, he falls asleep in front of other people. I think this is done always on purpose, because it cannot be possible for him to do it only when there are other people around. It did not detract me from the purpose of enjoying my time with the kids.

The long weekend allowed me to relax, and spend valuable time with the kids. I actually worked Friday from home which made the time seem even larger, almost like a full day off, although working, it was not as busy as other days in the office, so I felt it was good enough to stay home.

We are getting ready for Halloween, Yael will be a princess, but this year, she will be Snow White, which suits her because of her whit skin and dark hair. Adam will be an astronaut. I want to share the joy and wear something funny, but we shall see. We are going out with her friends and parents, the ones that we invited to go out with us this weekend.

Yael enjoyed her company with her friend. I am glad they came along.

The time I spent with Yael this weekend has alerted me to monitor a few things very closely: she is not eating very well, she is whining too much, and having too many confrontations with her brother; resulting in a constant back and forth between them that drains all of us. After my aunt left, she became more whiny than usual and that irritates me. I cannot help make differences in how I treat them even if I try, as Adam does not cause me to constantly have to reprimand him, but with Yael, I have to take her to a "time out" corner, and a little later, again.

Although I am proud that she is finally sleeping alone in her bed without waking up in the middle of the night and coming to my bed, one step ahead seems to be leading me to two backwards. Whatever is that I am doing, I know it is not working. The whining is translated into pain. She is expressing her frustration, pain or anger. I don't know how to approach her. When I talk to her, I tell her that I am very proud of her, that I love her, and I praise her for everything she does. But when I do it to Adam, she cannot stand the attention being given to him. She hurts. She is hurting.

I spend time with her alone, quality time during our music sessions, and car rides to her piano lessons. I am coming to believe that it is the nature of her personality. I just hope this is only a phase and she can rise above it. I thought that nearing 4 years of age, she would stop crying for everything, but sadly, it continues, and she needs more time. She is still enjoying a number of things, she is very connected to her piano lessons, she practices every day, and wants to play more than the exercise she is given. She got into her gymnastics class too, but the ones she truly thrives with, is her art class. She is a true artist. It is difficult to translate what is what, but even when I get it, I cannot always prevent it from happening or lessen her pain.

Adam, on the other hand, is thriving with gymnastics, music and overall, picking up and repeating words every day. He wants to do the same things Yael does, and play with the same toys, he likes to draw and paint, and practically follow her steps. But when they play together, that is the best scene. That is the time when they laugh together the most. Yael makes him laugh and she is the best comedian. He cracks up in laughter. They are both so cute. I adore them.

Rhythm of the heart

2010-10-01T18:39:00.004-04:00

Sitting at the doorstep with my aunt on the final day of her visit

We had a fabulous percussion masterclass. Every 4th piano lessons there is a masterclass. I took both kids because XP could not take care of Adam. They both were engaged and each of us had a drum. The instructor was so good. Well, it is hard not to be engaged when you do drumming with a bunch of people and kids get involved.

Then, we flew to the gym class, after just 3 sessions, I can finally say that kids are into it. Adam was crying for a little while, but then he got into it and was able to follow the circuit with enthusiasm. Only, whenever he saw play sets that were more interesting than his circuit, he would simply go there and play a little bit. But overall, both are liking the activities I have scheduled for the fall/winter season.

I am so excited about Yael's piano lessons! I have purchased other books to compliment the Suzuki method. I have found two incredible books that help the young child figure out the fingering and the key detection. I think this method is excellent as parents fully participate in the evolution of the kid's learning, and one of my big dreams has always been to learn to play the piano. I hope Yael or Adam like it. The love of music is something I have tried to nurture in them as I believe it is soul-enriching. They are both receptive of it. They key to sticking to it (as attrition rates are 80%) is to make it fun. I will try my best to make it fun for both, but also perseverance and continuity is very important. With an instrument, you can only get out what you put in. So the more hours, the more frequently one practices, the better one becomes. As kids are so young, they both are getting into routines. I will try my best to stick to them, so there is a sense of comfort and anticipation to what they will be doing.

Suzuki is good for the early years, and then we can move on to reading music (as the method is rope and intuitively listen to the music) with a more traditional method. This piano program is for 3 years only, and once kids graduate from it, they move on to the traditional conservatory method. What they gain, is the ear for music and an introduction to piano. I love it.

My mother graduated from piano and she stopped playing it, the minute she got home from her final exam, so she never encouraged me to play, even though she saw how musical I was. I pursued singing, theory and instrumentation on my own, but since I did it as a teenager, I always felt I could not play an instrument and I was left without the ability to fully realize my potential. Playing piano was a dream I felt I could not achieve. I read music now, due to my own resilience, and trying to find the right teachers, but I have also worked my way into an informal self training. With singing you can do that, but with an instrument, you need the guidance and the training of a teacher. I guess, I will live it vicariously through my children, but recognizing that if it is not in them to take it, I will not torture them, as my grandmother did to my mother.

Both kids seem to enjoy music. I think through the joy and encouragement, they will shine. But fundamentally, I want them to appreciate the beauty of music.

Final Talk, Feel Relief

2010-09-28T20:24:00.005-04:00

Adam playing with Lego, given to him by "Abu" (Granny)

We had the final talk, the break up conversation. I am feeling ok.

It all started Sunday evening, when after a few hours of work in the garage (which he offered to help with) I invited him to stay over for dinner and he declined. He declined so adamantly that I wondered why would he be so tight lipped about what he was doing next. That is when he said he had work to do at home, namely, laundry and office work.

What followed was bizarre. After I had dinner, I called around 8:30 to 9:00 PM. No one answered, so I left a message. However, it was a teasing message ( I said: "I hope you are enjoying your laundry) to which he never replied until the day after in the evening.

He and I got together last night (Monday), to discuss the previous day occurrences and why he felt terrible for not staying over for dinner. Once I realized that he had not only lied to me about his whereabouts, but also that he did not have things to do at home, I was expecting an explanation for his absence from home and for his need to cover the truth. He was probably going out with someone who he had bumped the night before (Saturday), because he had made plans to meet and I said: "why are you making plans for Saturday night, when I mentioned to get together and go to the movies?" to what he quickly stated that he could cancel, and we went out as a result.

When he explained the real reason he was not home, which he was reluctant to state, the reason was even less credible than the excuses he previously made for not staying over for dinner. He said he had to move his dog's burial place. I said: At 9 PM on a Sunday night? yeah right...

After accusations about invading his privacy (because he was forced to tell me the "truth") and the fact that he has done everything he could do accommodate my situation (which is unchangeable) he stated "How could things work out this way? ", to what I replied: "Dear, this is NOT working out". Let's not try anymore. Bye...(I opened the door, and he put his jacket on, and departed...)

What is most outstanding is the perception kids have about the situation, Yael said this morning: Mommy, when are you and Daddy going to get married? (That was enough to shake my morning)

Finally, enjoying my sleep

2010-09-27T19:31:00.003-04:00

The rare moments we are in a photo together

Yael is finally sleeping in her own bed! It did not take a pet in exchange, or a gift of any sort. It took only one day, my lack of patience and her dad's intervention. He simply said: "It is Yael's bedtime and the door will be closed!" "We will kiss you good night after reading your favourite books and that is it, it is bed time, good night!", he then turned the lights off, closed the door and after some whimpering, Yael got the message and finally went to sleep.

She now goes to bed almost at the same time as Adam, and I leave her door open, she reads her books and then, she knows it is time to sleep. Closes her eyes and knows there are no monsters. We took care of that too! We cleaned the house of monsters. Actually XP did. He brought some sort of fire buster tank, and called all the monsters, and removed them with a few scary screams.

This is a big milestone for us. I have been spending over 2 hours every night for the last few months, just to put Yael in bed.

My sleep nights are now perfect. They are back to normal. I sleep my lovely 8 hours, no interruption and work is not that stressful that it keeps me up at night, so I am enjoying my sleep lately. Winter is approaching, and all I want when I get home is to cuddle up in bed and go to sleep. If I sleep well, I am in a good mood, I feel energetic, I can wake up easily, and I am very productive. If I don't sleep enough, I feel like I am dragging my feet and it affects my ability to get things done and I get very cranky.

It has been 4 long years since I had a good night sleep. I deserve it. I am finally getting it.

TGIF

2010-09-24T19:02:00.005-04:00

My little Angel

Fridays are great! I am able to relax and enjoy the weekend. This week was frustrating at work. My project seems to be taking a step forward and two steps back. Just when you think you are seeing the light, someone blocks your sight ahead of you. Oh well! I hope things get better because it can be very frustrating when you are given the run around all over the place and people don't make decisions.

As soon as I get home, however, I just have to see my little kids for everything to come into perspective. They smile, or yell, or say a word that melts my heart and I know where all belongs and what life is really all about. And I bless my life each day for this. For having had them, for having the fortune to provide for them, for discovering their curiosity and living vicariously through their little eyes, their sense of surprise and awe.

Yael said to me today: "Mommy, when fall ends, it will start snowing..." Such a simple remark and yet, such an observation. She can't wait for snow to arrive. She wants to play in the snow.

Adam is enjoying his music class. He experiences the world differently, he is more extroverted than Yael and as a result I would expect him to communicate much more as soon as he starts putting words to his thoughts. He is getting there and he will become such a chatter box.

XP visited us 3 times this week! I must admit, this jealousy is working to the benefit of the kids, because he saw them more often and spent more time with them. Courting me is very funny. I am not going to say I don't like the attention, but I hope not to give him the message that this new "renaissance of his feelings" will result in my commitment to him. My "guy" of lack of a better term, is in the isle. Nothing is really happening there, I can't seem to let him go yet.

On one hand, he is not letting go either, but on the other hand, I am not giving him the impression that anything is wrong. Although there is something inside me that tells me that there is no future, I enjoy his company and if we just take things "lightly" (no commitment) I have no real reason to let him go. I know he has issues and they are deep. He is not going to change and I don't think he fits into my framework (single mom with two kids who are not his) so for now, we will be floating by and enjoying the ride so-to-speak. I even think he is interested in more than one person and is dating more than one at a time, so I do not feel too bad if we let things go, it won't be a loss.

The fact that there are two contenders also works to my advantage. They are more attentive and try to conquer my heart and my attention. They are competing for my attention. They are both getting on each other's nerves too. Hehehe...When my guy is with me, the other one calls me, incessantly. When XP is with the kids, I get ready to leave for "a date", put my nicest dress and do my hair and makeup and I can't get XP to remove his stare from my body. And although I can't get used to the attention, I am enjoying it.

With kids, I don't have to be the messenger of anything, they do the work for me. Yael was serving her imaginary tea for her dad and stated that there were tea cups for her and her brother, mommy, daddy and mommy's friend. So in a nutshell, this is the world they are interpreting, and this is the way things are right now. As long as no one gets hurt, I am fine.

There is something intrinsic that comes with interested men. They all want to help. My lawn is cut, my garage door is now working, the bathroom fixtures are glued back, and I more than welcome the help.

At least I know my daughter is an angel....

Hectic Fall Season

2010-09-22T19:32:00.004-04:00

Rosh ha Shana Dinner with my kids

I have been so busy scheduling my kids' activities for the fall-winter, I have had no time to write updates on my blog. Plus I had my aunt visiting us and spent the High Holidays preparing dinners for both nights. Really hectic time here at home.

My aunt's visit was such a refreshing affair. I took her to the touristy places in town, plus nearby (Niagara Falls). She went downtown almost every day to other tourist destinations with Yael and then when Yael started school, she went alone. She has no issues traveling by herself and is well traveled, and since her English is manageable, she was able to move around the city without a problem. She gave me very good advice on my current situation. We connected this time like never before. She was less critical than usual, perhaps because she was in my house. She also rested enough that she was in a happy mood and at the end of the day, we had very meaningful conversations. We have a history of having friction, I guess, just like daughters and mothers. She is like a second mother to me, and that is why my children call her "granny". She stepped into the role of the grand mother the children don't have. She and her husband have become the step grand parents of my children. I welcome the love. We welcome the love. Yael cried for an hour after she left and wanted to take a plane to visit her as soon as we left her at the airport.

The beauty of my aunt's visit is that we spent a great New Year season, plus we did all the shopping we needed for the rest of the year with kids' clothes for school, and Halloween.

Yael has piano, gymnastics and art (painting, sculpting, experimenting with different mediums) this year. Adam also has music, kinder-gym and pre-school type activities designed for toddlers. From January to June, they will both have swimming instead of gymnastics. It will be a fully packed year of physical exercise and other interesting activities. I have done this because if there is a planned activity, we at least get out of the house, do something and it makes us cope with the length of the winter.

I loved the piano lesson for Yael, because this is a class where parents participate and encourage their kids to learn the piano by sitting at one at home and practicing their lessons. This will allow Yael to feel more confidence and learn the instrument until she is ready to do it alone. It is a very serious commitment from parents because they are responsible for the academic progress of their children, as they are the ones who have to sit at the piano with their children and practice the lesson.

With the other activities, I have managed to include both kids at the same time in other programs so I can be with Adam but also do something productive. I feel I have not paid much attention to extra curricular activities with him and he deserves to have this quality time with me.

Adam has become so eager to learn, his vocabulary has expanded beyond my imagination. He repeats everything. It almost seems like he has woken up to language and communication and this awakening is making him do all kinds of things. I feel his development in the past month has been monumental. It is like something clicked inside him and all the world opened before his eyes. He was showing me all the parts of his face as I asked him to point it out and he did not miss any. What a lovely moment!

Yael is also evolving quite well. The other night she told us, my aunt and I, the entire Snow White story with all the details, from beginning to end. I wish I had recorded it because I simply wanted to kiss her after she was finished, but I was driving and I could not capture the moment.

My kids are a constant source of joy, despite the fact that sometimes, they cry or whine endlessly and there is nothing more irritating than that. However, it is such a pleasure to watch how they grow up.

Now that we are getting closer to Halloween, I have to setup the birthday parties of my two kids. One for November and the second one for December. But not until I get more money as I have spent already a lot. The good news is that my car payments end in October and I will have some freed up money luckily for these things.

My new nanny started working during the time that my aunt was here, so that helped my kids transition to her but they know her from before, so it has been good for them. She is a quieter girl, more reserved and cleaner, she will be eager to work because her permanent residence is on the line if she does not perform. As long as she is in a relationship with this guy, she will be happy with us, I guess. She is a more stable girl that the previous one and will be doing her best to be in this job. However if she breaks up with her boyfriend, there will not be as much of an incentive for her to stay here, but that is a consideration that I cannot entertain. I will add a penalty to her contract in which she will not get some of the money she earns if she leaves earlier than the contract stipulates. Good luck to me!

Wasting my time?

2010-09-11T23:30:00.003-04:00

We had a hectic day today. Yael started her piano lessons at the conservatory and I think I was having more fun than her, in fact I thought the class was fabulous. Both teachers were excellent. One taught piano for 1/2 an hour and the other half was for musicianship. All wonderful. But Yael as usual, does not particularly like group settings. She would sit while other kids participate and ignore the teacher's directions. I think that is a problem of lack of interest when the attention is not directed at her only. I don't know what it is, but I know it does not happen at Montessori, because children do what they like and explore the curriculum on their own, there is such freedom that conventional systems of education would not allow for it to happen.

I hope that when we sit down and study at home, she enjoys it more. We shall see. Music is good for the soul, and I know she has it in her, but it takes patience and time to develop. I hope she enjoys it as much.

Then we went back home, we cleaned up the home, XP came over to watch the kids and my aunt and I went shopping. I bought a bunch of clothes that I needed for work as I have lost 2 sizes and my old suits are too big on me now. So she was great to come with me, and we also bought some henna for my hair as it is now full of grey hair. It was great, I hope she had a good time. We went out for dinner for sushi at a restaurant, as I know she loves it and went home and applied the henna to my hair. A truly long day.

The guy I am seeing called me in the afternoon, then said he would call me later in the evening, but I was indifferent to him over the phone so did not care one way or the other if he called again or not. He did not. I told him I did not have plans for the weekend, but he did not invite me to do anything out of the ordinary, or even in the evening. So that was a negative on my list. Plus the conversation we had the other day about him being uncomfortable about being around my kids turned me off completely. He said that he was afraid he would always be an outsider in the situation (and so why try if you do?) and never feel included, regardless of my or our (kids and I) effort to include him.

On the other hand XP mowed my lawn, took care of the kids all afternoon and is trying to charm me. He is at his best behaviour. Who knows what he is up to. But I know he is not seeing anyone person in particular, perhaps a few here and there, but not serious. I don't ask, and I don't care. While I was with Yael at the class, he told my aunt that he thought I have been cheating on him ever since I have known him (as if we were together all of these years....hahahaha) Now that is delusional, but funny. No, hilarious! He told her that because he thought I was cheating on him, he did not do anything wrong with bringing women to my house (back 4 years ago) while living with me. That he was not in love with me then, but now he is and that he now sees me more beautiful than ever. Etc.....

XP asked me if he could bring a movie and watch it sometime next week. I said I had no problem. If he wants to be social, I will not deny it as long as he is decent about it.

About the other situation, I am so disappointed in the guy that I will tell him that it is better not to see each other anymore. Why waste each other's time eh?

This truly is the best time of my life. I am enjoying my kids, my job, the father is acting decently with me and the kids. The kids love him. Things are so good that I should not be worrying about a guy who brings problematic situations right from the get go. This time is supposed to be idilic if things are starting in a relationship, not dark and gloomy. If he cannot adjust to how the situation is setup (and it is something I cannot change) he should not be entertaining the relationship in the first place. It is hypocritical to even say that all he is looking for is 3 things: a woman, who respects her parents, (any age, and shape), and is a copy of him. Enough said. That is not me....

Rosh ha Shana Dinner

2010-09-08T21:43:00.003-04:00

My Aunt with my kids

We had an unexpected guest at our Rosh Hashana Dinner tonight. It was my aunt from South America. It was such a joy to have her visit us. She decided very last minute to travel here and join us, and it was a very pleasant surprise to see her. She is the kids' surrogate grandmother. She loves the kids and they love her.

She had to get a visa to come here and they asked for so many requirements it was not even funny. But she was successful in getting her visa. She will be staying with us for 2 weeks. She took Yael to the museum and Yael loved the experience. They both had a great time. They spent 4 hours walking around. I don't know how Yael made it. She is not used to walking so much.

I decided to postpone Yael's school commencement to allow her to be with my aunt. XP came over tonight, and we had a lovely dinner all together. The kids enjoyed it and we all ate a lot.

XP said that he has never realized he could be smitten by a woman after knowing her for 5 years (he meant me) when he saw me. I guess, he cannot help it...

On the other hand, I had a conversation with the guy I am seeing and it looks like the end might be near. He came up with such statements yesterday that it discouraged me from even wanting to talk to him again. He said that he doesn't think he could ever be part of my life when I speak a different language with the kids. He feels great when we are together, but when he sees the kids, it reminds him how much they are not his and will never be. He feels like an outsider. Nothing I can do about it. He also said that he will never be able to understand me while I speak to the kids because I speak another language. Bottom line, he is hesitant about the setup in which he is getting into and might bail out before long. Well, I am ok. When you just meet someone, it is better to leave the relationship earlier than when people are very involved. I will be ok....

Continued from the Bizarre with a finale

2010-09-04T10:24:00.003-04:00

I fired my nanny. She deserved it. I overheard her saying to her friend (who used my car without my permission) that she would never get caught...And this was just the beginning. When I returned from work on Wednesday, she suggested to me that she was going to leave earlier than expected (at the end of September) and that she had given me more than two months notice and she had other priorities.

I was simply fed up with that attitude. The house has been falling apart from the dirt that has accumulated that she is unable and unwilling to clean up. She takes the kids to the neighbour's house and spends hours chatting with her nanny friend and other thousand people, constantly. I told her that I wanted the house cleaned up properly to what she said: "I can't do it now, I want to wait until Yael goes to school", as if she had a choice of when to do it.

I had been biting my tongue for quite a while now as to the level of disarray in my house to prevent friction, but I had it with her. The last drop was to find out that she was responsible for both, granting access to the neighbour's nanny's dogs, and for allowing her friend to take my car and drive it. I am outraged at it. The car smells like smoke and the kids breath that horrible bad air.

When she started saying that she was going to leave earlier, I got fed up and wrote the termination letter to her. She breached her contract with me, she did not care, she abused my authority by allowing others to use my personal property, she disobeyed my orders, and her serious misconduct granted her no less than being fired.

XP came over, he helped me get things sorted out, I called the other nanny to ask her if she could start earlier, he presented the letter to her and told her that she had 24 hours to vacate the basement. She did, she asked for her money and I gave her no less than what I owed her up until that day (no compensation for length of service) and she went to complain to the Labor Board. She dared to complain about being wrongfully dismissed. Shame on her.

I am lucky that the other girl could start early but she is at a risk of not being able to stay here as her visa expired and she has to return back home. So it is not a good situation, but I hope I can rescue her.

XP also helped me take care of the kids while I had to go to work on Thursday, spent the whole day with them, and last night, as a gift of generosity, he told me he was willing to stay with the kids overnight so I could go out. So the week did not end in such a bad note.

Things progressed quite nicely at work, my new client is starting his new position next week so I don't have to deal with the technophobic, who wants things that cannot be achieved and progress is happening now. We are starting to get some traction.

XP has been really good to me, he has turned around dramatically. I hope that he has matured. He passed his professional examination. He should be able to get a better job in the near term.

Disconnect at work

2010-08-31T18:30:00.002-04:00

I am so frustrated at work! It has been now a few times since I have encountered the same type of situation where I feel what I say is taken so literally that I have no room for interpretation. There is a new guy who was hired who is a technophobic and does not understand anything about technology. It is so difficult to talk to him, so painful. He does not get the message. It is so hard to drive it. He is too young for his role and does not have the experience to understand even what he is requesting, as if things could very easily get done because he requests it (not knowing the implications of his requests in terms of technology challenges across the organization) so here I am trying to explain technical concepts in a simple to understand way and he complains to my boss about my use of words and how I "should not be solutioning". I hear the frustration in his voice and I get so frustrated in return, as he thinks the solutions I talk about are coming from me and not from a group.

Plus after all the requests that are coming through do not allow me to continue with the work that needs to be done, and the time is now getting into a level of danger where we won't be able to deliver if they keep coming and we don't have resolution for them. We have been like this for a month without resolution, and time is running out. Management keeps adding more staff to my project and now it becomes un-manageable with so many people to coordinate work with. My new boss, she is nice but she is not even in the loop, she is so out of touch!

I keep running in circles, and nothing is accomplished, I feel so frustrated! I really miss the senior manager who left the company for this reason. She and I worked so well. Now I feel like there is such a disconnect and that the communication is so broken. I simply want to explode.

I hope this gets better because I am running out of patience.

It is working...

2010-08-29T22:19:00.003-04:00

We spent a lovely weekend together, almost entirely. My man and I got together Saturday afternoon to visit the local fair, which ends at the end of the summer, it was a perfect place for adolescents, but I liked it anyways. It gives us a chance to interact, and every time I do, I feel more and more interested about him and about wanting to be with him. Today, he offered to come with me and the kids to spend an afternoon together and he was so helpful with them, so patient and so kind to us. He is such a trooper. He just went along with me, I felt so comfortable to have him by my side. It was a great afternoon.

XP cut my grass in the meantime, (he is being nice lately) and wanted to hang out yesterday evening, but I had plans already, so I had to gently ask him to leave (he always leaves in a haste and now that I am dating, he chooses to hang out, because he wants to talk with me because he wants to be friends with me).

The more time we spend together, the more I like this guy. He and I gel together. Of course, I do not see the issues yet, as while we talk and are together things seem to go very smoothly. However, I brought up the subject of my age today. I know that he knows, and I knew that he is completely realistic and knows what he is getting himself into, but wanted to find out what he thought about the possibility of not having children due to someone else's age. He said, that he knew exactly what the options were and that he was not gaging that, but the fact that he enters into a situation that is unchangeable, he will never be the father of the children, and my children will never be his children. To what I told him that the advantage of this situation was that the kids are very young, and are capable of us moulding their lives, and easier than a situation where the kids were older.

He said that he was entirely cognizant of the situation and that he removed earlier barriers to his previous issues with dating in the past (like age) since age was no longer an obstacle, he has now, other challenges at hand. He said that now that age is not an obstacle, he is looking at other things. And even if he ultimately wants to have a partner and children, he ultimately wants to find a partner who he can share his life with.

But now that he feels that he has apparently someone who he can share his life for ever (me) he will have to contend with my situation, in which he feels like he is being the obstruction. I said that there was not too much to share that we don't know already, but it is comforting to know that his very issue is not even if he can have a child with someone, but a lifetime partner.

I told him that I wanted to lay it out to him as it was important for me to say it because it was the right thing to do and to set the right set of expectations (even if there are not that many to begin with) as we are just starting and we don't want to get hurt. He is aware that my chances of having a pregnancy are slim, and what possibilities there are for future children. My desire to have more children is not enough and time was not on our side. He said his issues are not about that, but about the setup (me, the children and the father in the equation).

I felt a little bit relieved that at least it is in his mind. I know what his response is towards me, and I know he is growing fondly of me, as I do too, and it would hurt greatly not being able to fulfill his dream, but he said that it was a crapshoot and that even with a 20 year old, it would have been too as they could also be infertile at that age.

So bottom line, what really matters is if he would accept the situation as it is, and choose to be with me despite of it. I said to him that the strength of the relationship and the intensity of the love would determine if we could endure it together and work together towards harmony or not. And he left....

To be or not to be with me..

2010-08-23T21:22:00.005-04:00

My kids' smiles: precious!

It took me one year to get pregnant with Yael. It was not easy to go through that. I had to go through what the doctors had said was a very slim chance of having children. Then came the news, all "au naturel", no IVF, and no IUI. Just a cycle of fertility drugs to increase the egg release 2 cycles prior to me getting pregnant. Was this a fluke? Don't know. Then came Adam, how it happened? Well, let's just say that it was after 4 tries at 42. Am I infertile? Don't know, but this thought is currently bugging me. I would not want to brake this guy's heart if he decides to stay with me and I cannot give him children. On the other hand, I am 44, and not getting any younger. I think any woman at my age would have more difficulty getting pregnant, but in my case, who knows if I would be blessed with this chance again. Perhaps not, and I believe he knows it too, but don't know to what extent.

The last thing I want to do is to create false expectations. Thanks Jodi for your comments. They are very helpful. Is it a bad choice for this man to be with me? I would believe it is if he expects children 100%. As I cannot guarantee this would happen. It would not be fair to him to be with me if I cannot give him children, so the question that remains is: would he be with me if he could not have children of his own? I would let him go, as I think this is a deep fulfillment that needs to happen in his life and I would not make him happy if he expected children and I could not provide it for him.

As much as I feel the compatibility with him, I value his choices and I know exactly where he is coming from. However, he is old enough to know that if he choses to be with an older woman (in her mid 40s) fertility becomes more and more of an issue. We need to talk about this. Yeah, I am following my brother's advise (joke)... "enjoy the moment"...yeah!

On the other hand, what if I got immediately pregnant? Hehehe, that would be something else...It would still be a risky pregnancy, but then, we would have other problems at hand...So much for Carpe Diem! huh!

Relationship goings...

2010-08-20T21:35:00.006-04:00

This is what they do when they don't fight

Well, what do I have to say about the week's happenings? We talked every day with my new man. He came over during the evening, one night. He was so sweet with us, he brought flowers for Yael, and for myself. That was the most tender detail of it all. He was very nice to the kids. I introduced him as a friend, just like all other friends of mine, in a very normal kind of fashion.

I figure, if we meet casually, and things do not develop, he will simply not show up again, but very gradually. If things get more involved, he will be a welcome addition to our daily lives. I am going to be very cautious anyways. At this point, I don't think it does any harm for him to have seen the kids. It is like any other friend who visits us every so often, and it allows me to still be with my kids, not leave them behind, include them in this process, and see what happens. I cannot control every situation and every environment.

I had a very good conversation with my brother, it was great talking to him, he has an interesting perspective in life (knowing me and being an adult already), and said: "enjoy the journey, don't overanalyze things and don't put pressure on things. If they happen, Yeah! If they don't, it will simply be the beginning of something new for you, your ability to see someone in a romantic kind of way". I thought it was very wise, something I needed to hear.

Being with him feels very natural, we relate, he is very calm when he talks, he takes things easily. Does not comment a lot, he keeps a lot to himself, although for what he says, he is the kind of person that opens up too much (not that I see at this point)...But as my brother said: he seems to have baggage and seems to have been burnt.

The most important comment my brother made about the situation was that I don't know why these girls left him, soon I will know if it was because of him, or them... Very insightful. I think his comment made an effect in me that put everything into perspective.

But after we met this weekend, I saw a fundamental change, he is starting to open up...and what a different person he is. He is sharing more and he told me that had it been 5 years ago, we would not have met for the sheer fact that he had a very long list of must haves one of which was age (he would have not met me because I am 2 years older than him), now he has few conditions, but these are fundamental, the rest were simply his inability to be with other women. He also said that I have all the qualities that are not out there as far as he can see, which has made him stay.

We went shopping, and I got a few books for the kids, one is the anatomy and the human body, with drawings of the bones, the muscles, organs, etc. really wonderful, to show Yael what we have inside, and he got her a book about not being scared of the dark when we go to sleep. That was very interesting too. We got a video to watch on the way home and when XP left, (which he almost did not want to) he came in. I put Yael to bed and then we watched the movie. The time we are spending together is lovely. I prefer to be with him than to talk to him on the phone, although he seems to be more comfortable around me.

I must admit that he is a trooper, he picked me up 2 blocks from home (to prevent XP from capturing a glimpse of him or writing up his plate number and then stalking him), without complaining, he waited for me in the car while XP was leaving the house and until I was able to put Yael in bed, and then when she woke up, he hid in the room, until I put her back in her bed. Yael is having a hard time sleeping all night in her bed and now it becomes an issue.

When I left the house, XP must have been reeling since I left all dolled up, dressed to kill and with a smile. I cannot do much but be amused about the whole situation.

My man was very honest about his feelings today, he said that he is feeling like the times when his girlfriend cheated on him, but in reverse as he feels he is usurping XP's role in my life, to what I qualified as a vacant role which XP has no chance of filling. He did not forget that XP was concerned about what his role would be if I married someone else. I said: XP will be my children's father for ever, that will never change, and a man in my life would be a paternal figure, as well, if he lived with me; more love to have does not hurt anybody. But he rightly thought that there were so many things he was thinking, for years to come, I told him that because the kids were young, it would be easier than if they were older because they can adapt easily.

My thoughts are around exactly the same topics as him, but in reverse. I am thinking that it would hurt me if my kids did not get the same treatment from him or his family if we had one kid in common and they made preferences to that child for example. Or if he made it difficult for XP to see the kids (as he now sees them at my home and it would not be acceptable to me, if he had to see them anywhere else). I would take a guess that his thoughts are around how he would deal with conflict between myself and XP, or his role around the kids, or if I could give him children being as old as I am, and the factor of time. Time is not our friend in this case. But I told him that no matter what he would find out there, there would always be a complex situation he would have to deal with. I reiterated that he should stop analyzing because it causes us to freeze up and started exploring compatibility, because the question was not what we want to do together, that is crystal clear, what we need to find out is if we could deal with our differences and how we solve conflict.

For the lack of one, I get two

2010-08-17T17:19:00.004-04:00

Kids watching turtles float on water

So what does a woman want? These days more attention than I can handle?...

It may seem odd but after digesting the news, XP decided to wait in the "isles of the rejected" and is going to see how things pan out with the "new love" while he gets himself back on his feet again, to come back to me, as he believes for one: there is little chance I would get pregnant, and two: my relationship may tank soon. So he sees himself as a candidate for the empty seat.

What a hopeful set of news eh? I don't care, in any case, if he thinks he can reach out to me, he is very confused as I don't think we could ever meet half way. I don't know where this new love is going, but I am trying it out. It does not mean that it is "it", or the "last try". It simply means I am ready to love again. This is the best piece of news I have.

XP also investigated that my chance at having another child is almost NIL. Yes, I was given that chance on my journey to my daughter, and we know what happened there...Adam was not even on the map of possibilities, considering Yael could have been a fluke. I am positive and I will not derail what could be a good relationship with a good man, if there is a chance, even slim.

In the overall picture, when I talk to my new man on the phone, it is ok, but not as fluent as when we meet face to face. My overall impression is that there is a wall of guardedness that he uses, when reminded of his present situation (of not having a family) or when by accident we uncover the past (which also brings back painful memories), which he does not want to talk about, especially when it comes to previous relationships that failed.

I do not want to do this, but in the unintended conversations, we find ourselves bumping into territory that he does not want to share or is not willing to comment on until there is a higher level of comfort. We shall see for how long this continues, as it cannot be a constant pattern for weeks and weeks to come. This shows lack of trust in general and being with an untrusting individual is awkward.

I tend to trust, now I am guarded, my most intimate thoughts are not even surfaced, so they are even deeper than his. And even though I talk about light things, there is always an association with family, or relationships from the past. He seems to listen, may comment here and there, that he should not be "told what to do" but "asked". I am just taking it all in. I am sure he is analyzing and overanalyzing things as much as I do, as I tend to be that way too, but when we see each other, I feel better. I am going with the flow.

Telling

2010-08-16T20:36:00.006-04:00

An adorable kiss

I could not wait for XP to know. I thought he had to know. And I told him. I told him that I was dating and that if he saw me leaving the house, was because I was going to be on a date. He was devastated by the news. He did not like it at all. He thought that once and for all he would have a chance at getting closer to me (without my liking) and wanted to try things with me, one more time.

He told me that this news was a big blow to him and that he would loose his children as a result. I told him to stop the drama, because he would never loose the children because I was dating. He is not going to make my life easier. He was expecting nothing to change. He was expecting that I did not date for a long time, perhaps never. I told him I had the right to be with someone who was not him. He wanted me to guarantee him that he would have access to the children, I said yes, but perhaps not under the same conditions (he comes to my house and spends hours with the kids at home, but if I ever live with someone else, he cannot do that anymore). He even asked me if the other guy would accept that we go on a vacation together with the kids, I said: I don't think so. The rules have changed and he has some catching up to do.

At least I told him, I will keep the lines of communication open, but I am not going to feel guilty that I am sneaking out on him while I am dating because I am not committing a crime, I am just dating.

He asked me how serious it was, and I said that I did not know, but the potential was leading in that direction. Anything can happen along the way, we don't know the outcome of things, but the hope is that we get along, we share something together and eventually even marry as I would not consider a prospect that was only a casual relationship that had no conclusion in the end.

I am not in a rush, but the guy I am dating is, because he knows my age and he knows that I am not getting any younger. There are a lot of questions to be answered to what he replied: "it will all fall into place on its own".

XP is a basket-case, to top off his drama, he has taken the exam to become a paralegal, but now he is being reviewed by the board to see if he is accepted or not. Pending the board review he may or may not practice despite his good marks (if he passed it). He is being let go from the shelter where he lives and is going to have to start paying rent somewhere else. He wants to stop paying support to the kids (considering I am dating, as if I automatically was richer out of dating a guy). He never takes responsibility for his actions, and he is always so pessimistic about his future that he does not think he will ever get out of his rut.

I told him that he is projecting all his problems onto the fact that I am dating, and he has to take care of himself and realize that he has two children that are going to have more sophisticated needs in the future and visiting them at my home is not always going to work out, he has to get real. I did not hint to him that I wanted him back, so it is a figment of his imagination that we were going to get back together.

XP said he never got to know me really for who I am, and I said to him that I have always been here, the person who I am, but feel so misunderstood by him. It is not going to be an easy ride with him after this confession.

A different kind of weekend...

2010-08-15T19:13:00.005-04:00

I am still coughing, still congested for 3 weeks now. Nevertheless, feel strong, and in good shape to not lose any time at work. I may have to take some time off to visit the doctor. I will see when I can do that.

This weekend, for the first time, I left XP alone with the kids and went out to a movie (after 5 years) with my new beau. He is very sweet. We are getting along so well. We spoke every night this week. We talk and understand each other, he is kind, such a gentleman. A different kind of man. XP did not know that I went out with a date, he thought I was going out with friends, so I left it there. I think I need some time for myself to announce to him that I am involved, especially after the self written declaration that his only alternative for a romantic relationship is Me. I have to be tactful and sensitive, but clearly state to him that I am not interested in being with him that way. I have moved on, wounds are healed, and I am ready to be committed to a kind man.

Yesterday we had a wonderful time, I felt like an adolescent preparing for her first date, I dressed up and arrived early. I did my make up in the car, kind of sneaking out of XP so that it was not blunt, but he noticed that my hair looked good and he commented on it. He likes long straight hair. Well, both do. So after the movies, I went back home and last night we arranged to meet today again. I met him for a few hours, and we went to al old town for a walk, we enjoyed each other's company greatly. We have a lot of commonalities. He is the kind of man that when he falls for a woman, he is devoted. He is generous, he says he does not spend any money on himself. And when we were going from shop to shop he was attentively listening to comments about my kids and what they are like and what they liked. He wanted to get something for both, and he was actively asking what they liked. I very much liked that.

Unfortunately our time was too short, and I had to head back home as XP came to take care of the kids on an unusual day for him as his day for seeing the kids is Saturdays not Sundays. I was so lucky to have had two dates on a weekend. However, if things keep going so well, I may soon have to tell XP that I am dating. He might be suspecting it by now, he is not stupid and he picks up things very quickly. I on the other hand, would not like to give my date the wrong impression (that I might be married, as he asked me yesterday).

Something tells me that jealousy will kick in and we will be in chaos. I don't know. But I hope he understands that I have personal needs and being in a good relationship is fulfilling. XP must understand that just as he has had relationships, I will too.

This man (the date) is emotional, he feels deeply and he can easily open up once he finds the trust. He is starting to feel it, I feel very comfortable with him. He also seems to display a certain kind of sadness due to the loneliness that being single can bring. I hear his pain.

Tales of the simply bizarre

2010-08-11T20:53:00.003-04:00

I did not mention what happened upon returning from my vacation, but it is worth writing, as I think it seems like it is coming from a sci-fi novel, and I am not kidding. I can't believe these things happen to me, seriously.

As a background, I left one set of keys of the house to the neighbour's nanny for her to water my plants, and another one to XP to leave my car keys behind after taking us to the airport, the idea was to have the home keys to pick up the car again, upon my return and pick us up again at the airport on arrival.

I arrived home, but one day before that, I get an email from XP who was supposed to grab the keys from my car, by opening the door of my house to pick us up at the airport. He suddenly decided that he would take the opportunity to sleep over at my place (without my permission) and then take the car to his workplace (since he does not have a car, and uses public transportation) this one time, since he had the car.

Much to his surprise (and my shock) he found two dogs locked up in my basement, barking like mad and scratching the door of the basement. They were locked in by the neighbour's nanny who was allowed to do so by my nanny without my permission. I don't have the words to describe this, but I am not impressed at all. I am still navigating through a series of lies (on both nannies) who are not telling me the straight story yet. One says that she asked my nanny and went ahead with putting the dogs in the basement assuming it would not be a big deal, the other one, (my nanny) said: take it up with my boss (me) I have nothing to do with this.

On the other hand, the gas tank was full, but the car smelled of cigarette and smoke, and there were ashes on the floor mat. Clearly, someone did use my car, according to XP before we came home to pick it up, because the seat was moved, the mirrors were adjusted and the oil change light was on at 10% as opposed to 15% when I left. All these clues amounted to a suspicion about who used my car. The dogs we know, were placed in the basement by the nanny as a favour to her cousin, as she expressed, but the cigarette and the use of my car, was a total mystery to her. It is also been denied by XP. So here I am, intrigued to know who used my car, dared to smoke and then left the keys back in my house.

The other alternative is my nanny who I have not included in this plot, as she knows the combination of the house door, she could have told someone to use it, and then leave the keys behind. All in all, I am not very happy about the prospects of all of this. I promise, I will not leave anything behind to anyone on my next trip.

A lovely afternoon

2010-08-09T21:12:00.006-04:00

Just as two lovely birds, kissing

Today I took another vacation day off. It was previously planned, but not to be spent the way I did. I went to the hairdresser, did my hair, put on some makeup, a nice outfit and met my date again. It was one of the best way to close my vacation.

We had 3 dates already, I feel so good about this. He said he missed me, he was looking forward to seeing me and he enjoyed our time together. There were certain things he said that really stroke a cord in me. He talked about honesty, loyalty and real old fashion values, like chivalry, and that just turned me on.

We went out for lunch and spent the whole afternoon together, it felt so natural, and so easy going. Everything I hear about him sounds just like I would want a man to be near me. We happened to have studied the same program at University, which seems funny to me as I always thought that his type was not attractive enough to me in terms of personality for having chosen that career. I always ended up caught with men from the medical profession, for some weird reason. However this has been a pleasant surprise as we speak the same language, or rather, he understands my lingo clearly without the need for translation.

He is soft spoken, he compliments me all the time, and today he said I was his type of woman (brunette with dark eyes). Wow! I really liked that. He had previous relationships that failed, they cheated on him (some, not all) but the sense of betrayal is quite obvious from the words he spelled out. I told him I had not been in a relationship in 5 years. I do not consider the father of my children and I to have been a real relationship as I was still mourning the loss of an unrequited love from a man I fell in love with in the past and my focus was not in having a relationship at that time.

I told him however, that I was healed, that the wound was closed and I was able to look at men differently (and this is true, it took several years for me to even approach the subject). It really took me 5 years to heal. Some women never heal after such a devastating loss of love. I told him that we still have to be strong enough to challenge our feelings and open up to new emotions if the situation arises as it may be an opportunity to renew our feelings and why close ourselves up if we can love again. He agreed. He was engaged to be married in 2006/7 and he left the relationship because she told him she did not want to have children (similar to my situation in two of my most serious relationships, including my previous marriage years ago now).

He mentioned that he now knew how to get involved without getting hurt. I told him that there is no pain if there is no risk taking involved. But there is also no pleasure if there is no emotional commitment in between. He asked me how many men I turn away on a weekly basis..hehe. I think what is important is that the other sees you as valuable, as precious, as important to them, no matter what we think of the matter. That is not to say that I would not care about myself, because I care about me, but it is also good when others care about oneself. He said I was gorgeous and that I could be dating much younger men. I forgot all about my weight gain, I just felt totally accepted. I asked him what were his bad habits and he said: none. I know I have to proceed with caution, and I am, I have learned not to get hurt, but this feels right.

He said something really interesting to me when I asked him what he thought about family and why it was so important to him, ( this is something that I keep saying to myself as a value I hold): "It would be very sad to be lonely in life, all our efforts would not be worth it, all that we do is worth having, when you have a family and when you do something for that family". Oh, that hit my heart, especially because having one would mean as much to him as it has for me. This man truly speaks of my own values. He has never betrayed a woman by cheating, which is something I came to believe was part of men.

I find it easier to speak to this guy who I just met 2 weeks ago, than to my kids' father. Oddly enough, XP sent a "friendly letter" to me during my vacation, stating that he would look forward to having a "romantic involvement" with the woman who has his children (emmm, who? me?, no thanks!). This seems to be getting complicated by the hour. He was so convoluted and so cryptic in his letter, that even on the phone, he could not spell it out, so when I did, as I was getting lost in his web of words, I said to him that I was not interested in having a relationship with a man who is not emotionally compatible with me. I cut to the chase and said it straight out. However, I was going to be friendly towards him as it is the best for the children, which I truly believe it is. But this also means that if he knows there is someone else, he may try to sabotage my relationship and I am not too happy about that.

This new relationship needs nurturing, needs attention and energy. He seems to be a very giving person. Someone who looks after the other individual, not as much a selfish person who is self involved as the many I have encountered. His birthday is just two days after my mother's birthday. He says there are a few things that he looks for in a woman: that she likes her parents and is in a good relationship with them, that she is a woman (did not understand this until he explained that he met a woman who was not sure she wanted to be with men...) and that she is honest with her feelings. I am totally square with that. He said: Thank for for a lovely afternoon....

I have not felt this way in a long time, I don't want to step too far ahead, but there seems to be some substance to this man, who has captivated my attention so far. I could see myself embracing the concept of family with a man who is so supportive of the notion and who holds similar values to mine. Being two years younger than me, helps too...

Our Caribbean Vacation

2010-08-08T20:42:00.000-04:00

A sample of our vacation shots

It's been a very hectic vacation. Our day started at the usual time, 6:30 AM to 9 PM. Very long hours, some toddler tantrums here and there, but overall, a beautiful vacation. The weather forecast kept saying: rain..all week. Not one day was rainy or grey. All our days were outstandingly sunny and hot. We stayed at the hotel for a few days, but near the end of the vacation I rented out a car and visited other places outside of Cancun. We went to swim with Dolphins, just Yael and I.

Adam stayed behind with my nanny. She was not happy about it, but she came here to work, and besides, she had her day off during the week we stayed there, while she went to see the ruins and literally took off for the day. She arrived at midnight of that day, so I did not feel like she was not having her fun. She took care of Adam for a few hours while we went swimming with the dolphins. Yael loved it, and was not afraid to touch the dolphin. She is amazing with animals, has no fear and is very gentle with them. She always wants to take them home. Had I said yes to all her wishes, we would have a zoo at home. She reminds me of me when I was young. I wanted to have pets so badly, I always asked my parents if I could have one or if I could adopt one.

The trip to the city was less than ordinary, obviously the kids were fighting all day. They are cute, they play with each other, but they also tease each other and they know how to have a fight, or two. The next day we went to a water park and an aquarium, then to close our vacation, we went to a dolphin show.

Being with my nanny made a difference from the previous trip, in that if I needed to go to the bathroom, there was someone else looking after them until I was back, on previous occasions, I had to take both with me wherever I went and that meant a lot of work for me. This time, at least I have some extra help.

However, I realize Adam is more attached to me and prefers me if I am around, while Yael is ok to go with my nanny. She is fond of her and realizes she can get away with much more around her. It is a good balance.

One of the bad things about the place we are at, is that you eat more than you can handle it and I know for a fact that I have gained weight here. Everything is at your disposal, some food has been good and some has been so bad that we could not believe it. There were 3 restaurant "A la Carte" vouchers, we used only one. The experience was so disappointing, I could not believe the food was so bad. I did not even try the other two. So we kept going to the buffet as the food was somewhat safe and tastier.

The hotel has very friendly staff, but the tourists are European and they looked at us many times like we were extraterrestrials for having a crying child at the table. I was thinking to myself that this is not an adult only place and therefore, they should take it and move on. Many people complained about the kids, but there is nothing I can do about it. My nanny took Adam away from the table several times as he was over tired and hungry, but the combination was not very good. Oh well, I have given up trying. If people cannot handle children, it is their problem not mine. This was a children friendly hotel.

The kids ate like I have not seen before. They ate very well. proteins, fruit, and carbohydrates, with some vegetables. All very good and lots of it.

Later on, the flight back was so full of kids that I saw other children crying. It was comforting (to some extent) to see that other kids cried and had tantrums too, not just mine.

The trip was an overall success. My kids loved it and I loved it for that reason too!

I am giddy!

2010-07-26T22:21:00.002-04:00

After 5 years, I went out on a blind date. I went by a photo. I liked it. I was so anxious, and so worried that I would not be liked. But he just made me feel so good! He complimented me so much!

I was going to flat iron my hair, it was going to take very long, but I was so exhausted that I could not do it, so I put it on a pony tail and wished for the best.

He is great! He is gentle, he is the type of character that I feel attracted to. He said some interesting things that made me want to know more about him. I thought there was something dead in me, now I know it isn't. He wants family. I want family. He wants kids, I do not object to having more. I like his smile. He is willing to compromise! He understands that it requires to give and take in a relationship. Is this possible? He said, "why did we not meet 20 years ago?", I enjoyed his company, time flew by so fast, we could have talked more and more... This was a good sign. I liked him. He is 2 years younger than me. I feel attracted to him. We are normal people. I am excited.

I told him I would be on vacation, and that after my vacation, we can get together, or get together before I go on vacation. Either way, I said: "yes, I would like to meet with you again"

It was a successful meeting. The only meeting. What are the chances that the first meeting will work? Don't know, but hey, this could work out! I am giddy!!

The calm after the storm

2010-07-24T19:44:00.003-04:00

Adam chasing the tail of a goat, just like my trial

I think I am getting sick! All the stress has come down on me. I feel that if I don't rest enough, I will crash. I have been sleeping 4 hours a night. I did not go into details about the trial, but to say it was like a circus is an understatement. The tenant's excuse for not picking up his garbage was so lame, I could laugh. First he would say that he was so concerned about his son who was a newborn, he would not want to put the garbage in the car to dump it at the nearest depot, but when I asked him why would he worry about the car and not rodents invading the house from the garbage piling up, he could not answer the question. And when I asked him about telling people not to rent out the basement, he was stone cold. He was not expecting that one either. The trial went on from 10 Am to 3 pm.

The witnesses who testified on my behalf were almost at a point where they tried to get a unified front and derail the testimony, but I had written testimony about his comments, so that saved it. The neighbour across the street is such a lame person, I have no words to describe her level of ignorance and evil at the same time. First she was on my side because she thought justice should have been made and then she thought the opposite because when it came the time to show up and really live up to her word, she backed out, so I had to summons her and by that I executed my right to be served justice, because she proved that the tenant did deter people from renting out my basement.

The lesson to be learned here is that when you write contracts, you should never leave any detail behind. If you think things could be worked out by two people because we are civilized, think again, nice people could turn into not so nice people when they do not agree with you on terms. I have learned that you should never rely on people's word. And if you have an idea of how things should work out for you and you don't stipulate it in a contract, it is like nothing was ever said.

I should have included in the contract all the instructions about the upkeep of the house. About the use of the laundry between tenants, and any and all detail that one would foresee as a potential issue in the future. I know this may sound weird and that one may never foresee all kinds of problems or risks, but on the margin of probabilities, it should be included.

I am not prejudice of any kind of people, I think there is decent people from any group, any race and any religion. This is the way I conduct business, and friendships. I look at the person without judgement. It is only after seeing someone's conduct that I make my opinion, and this opinion becomes a personal one about that person. I do not operate on the general rule, because if I were cast with the same type judgement, I would not like people to be biased with me. So even if I heard bad things about these people or that people, I judge the person for their own merits.

In a way, this vacation is coming up at such a right time, because everything is over and now I am ready to relax and enjoy my time with my kids. I will lay at the beach and do nothing. We will have lots of fun. I am looking forward to that.

Success!

2010-07-23T22:05:00.003-04:00

My daughter's lovely smile

Two amazing updates: I won the trial, and the judge ordered the payment to be made to me according to my requirements (I will get paid the lost liquidated amount from my lawsuit by Tuesday of next week). Hopefully they will show up to make the payment. Will be useful for our vacation.

The other update is that I found a replacement nanny for our dear one who is leaving. She happens to be the girl who was taking care of the kids temporarily while I was looking for a job. She spent 4 months with us and was an absolute pleasure. She is very patient and loves the kids and the kids not only know her but are very happy with her, so, I will sponsor her and she will be starting with us as soon as my current one makes the necessary arrangements to leave as she is tied up with having to complete some paperwork.

I am sad she is leaving, but at the same time, since we are working a solution together, we will be fine. We will soon be on vacation. I am leaving in a week from now. These two events just made my week.

Even though there is a lot of stress at work, people have demonstrated their real appreciation and expressed their pleasure in working for me. It makes me feel so good, at least I feel like I am recognized and valued for my work. I am getting the visibility I needed. It is just a matter of time to move up. I am happy, at work and at home.

Our dear Nanny is leaving us

2010-07-20T21:01:00.002-04:00

Just as young people move on and have to make their own lives and decisions and have a life beyond the walls of this house, our dear nanny was given an engagement ring, to signify that she is now going to be joining the very nice gentleman who has asked her to marry him.

I wish her all the very best, but unfortunately, at the very worst time for us. The kids and I were so used to her, so happy with her. He lives in Ohio and wants her to move in with him, she has known him for 3 years and has made the decision to move on.

It is so sad for her to go, I was hoping that she would stay at least for 2 years. She signed a contract to stay with us for two years and now, things turned around like a tornado when it leaves nothing behind. Now, I have to look for someone, really quickly, and rather soon as I cannot be without a nanny to take care of the kids while I work. She had always brought me peace of mind because she took care of things at home, and wonderful care of my children.

Now, I have to look again, sponsor again, another person, and spend I don't know how much time to find someone I can trust. Just another spin to my less than ordinary life. Oh my....

The stressful trial

2010-07-19T20:41:00.006-04:00

Threading a necklace of Cheerios

The awful trial is coming up, in 4 days. It may take all day. Today I received a list of witnesses that was not included before and it includes my previous tenant who had nothing to do with my claim with the existing tenant. I would hope it is inadmissible in court, because this woman is a loony.

I have no idea if this guy will be doing it alone or if he will be having a paralegal assist him, apparently he fired his paralegal and now, might take it upon himself to defend himself, which is not going to be in his favour. I have been reading books for months to prepare for this trial. I know what to expect and what questions to ask my witnesses, he has no idea. But, it will be certainly a room full of surprises for sure.

I am unable to sleep because I keep thinking of questions, of situations and of times when things happened. Crazy, I know, but it may take the whole day to go through this trial. I have 5 witnesses and he wants to bring 5 witnesses to the stand too. I am not kidding and my claim is not frivolous. He is scared. For sure, otherwise he would not bring so many witnesses to the stand. We shall see if he can even bring these witnesses so late in the game. I just want this trial to be over and done with it. I am so tired of chasing the evidence, dealing with hostile witnesses and on top of it, the stress of work, coming home and the heavy lifting of my kids while on my own. I need a break. My upcoming holiday is coming in 2 weeks. I want to disconnect, to relax and get this out of the way.

I just want this over....

a potential date?

2010-07-18T21:43:00.005-04:00

I received an email that kept bugging me because I was not doing anything about it. So, I decided to update it. It was an email from a site that was telling me that it soon was going to close and to take advantage of the merger to a famous dating site. I later went on and created a profile. Shortly after, I received an email, from a guy who's photo and profile I looked at, and I really liked it, so we exchanged a few emails, the photo seemed from a normal guy, his writing had no grammar or spelling mistakes. It was seemingly normal.

We exchanged phone numbers, we talked, our conversation was normal, easy flowing and agreeable. It turned into a commitment for a lunch date, I selected a lunch date since our offices were so close by, and here I am, 2 or 3 days away from a date. I can't believe it myself. He said it was a pleasure to talk to me and that he was looking forward to calling me on Monday to setting up some date to go for lunch together.

It may not be much, but it is something new after a long time of not getting my feet wet into this field of relationships, so I am not sure what the protocol should be, all I am doing is moving according to my instincts. If he calls me on Monday it means he is serious about our conversation last night and he would be interested about meeting. So I will take one step at a time and take it from there.

He is european, I understand his background. I liked his profile, he is younger by two years, so that is great too. He asked me if I was willing to have more kids and he excused himself but he had to ask because he was eventually looking to have kids with someone he would eventually have a relationship, so I said I would. I do not have an issue with having more kids (other than age, but these days, it is possible to have kids while older, of course taking all the necessary precautions and genetic tests. I think kids glue the relationship and make it more meaningful and I have no issue with that. And after all, why not?

My kids are young enough that if I have a new relationship they would grow to love and be loved by other people. If it happens when the kids are still toddlers, it is easier than later, when they are used to me being alone.

He is 210 lbs, and 5'10", nice smile, and very nice demeanour. It is the type of guy I like. I did not get some of his jokes or his sense of humour, but I think he is dependable and likeable. He made comments that I liked, they spoke to his integrity. I am really excited to meeting someone new again. It has been 5 years since my last date. He arrived here when he was 7 so he is very integrated to mainstream Canada, even when his parents are european.

He mentioned he has one sister who lives in the US. It seems they are not very close because he mentioned that when she got married, she left, and he was left alone with his parents. He has a very small family, it is just his parents and himself. He has a 15 year old nephew. He worked for banks and now the government, used to work far too many hours, but now slowing down as he lost 3 relationships due to the lack of time spent together (a sign of workoholism).

The communication was smooth, he seems intelligent and seems to have a head on his shoulders. He is renovating his house and was talking about putting together some architectural drawings, so seems multitalented as his profession is in policy, and IT. When I imagine a compatible relationship, I think of someone caring, intelligent, but also easy and down to earth. He likes what he does, he has been in his current position for 5 years, so seems stable.

Crying detector

2010-07-13T22:07:00.003-04:00

unforgettable baby gestures

Have you noticed that your kids cry differently for different reasons? Of course when Adam and Yael start fights, they cry with a lot of drama and attention grabbing screams. But when it comes to sleep time, when they cry, I can feel the angst in their voices. I don't know what it is about this cry, but it is the only one that tears me apart. Not even the crying from being hurt seems as painful as when they are supposed to go to sleep. Almost as if they felt abandoned.

I noticed that the sadness is deepened when the day is over and they are taken back to their beds to go to sleep. And our routines are not always the ideal ones. I wish I could read them books and quiet their rooms and put lovely music or sing songs like I used to, but I find myself working long hours in the evening to complete work from the office, and that is pulling me away from them, and it upsets me.

The other problem is that Adam goes to bed at 7: PM and Yael at 8:30PM, so I have to put them to sleep in different rooms, start with one, finish his routine and then go to the other bedroom and read a book and finish her routine which includes her brushing her teeth, as my nanny has taken care of their bath prior to my arrival from work.

Both Yael and Adam cry with the same intensity and it weakens me. When I hear that type of crying, I can't let them feel that way, I hug them, I comfort them and try to make them feel that I am with them and mommy is not going away.

work and diet: bad combo

2010-07-13T21:53:00.003-04:00

My little vacation has derailed my diet. Right in the middle of it, I could not continue the routine I had started and lost the good food tracking that I have been doing for months now (which I think it is the key to my successful dieting). Unfortunately, I have so many stresses now, with the upcoming trial next Friday and work, it simply is difficult to pile up my diet. But, every time I look at myself in the mirror all I think of, is to go back to my regular weight.

My only comfort is that I will get there, but don't know when. Initially I thought I would be back to my normal self in the fall. Now it seems it is creeping into the winter, and I am so tired of wearing the same clothes. I need to focus.

Work is so hectic and there are so many bumps on the way, that I felt overwhelmed today. I just finished some last minute work that needed to be done for tomorrow, but it is the busiest time at my office. I can sense the stress everywhere. With stress, I tend to eat more, not less.

With so many tasks ahead of me, I can't believe I am again, going to be away on holidays in 2 weeks, but if I don't take time off, I tend to overwork and not rest enough, and I need to be refreshed to think differently and tackle problems with an open mind. One week off is not enough, I was just starting to relax when I had to come back, but another week will be definitely great!

Back to work with a full schedule

2010-07-12T20:04:00.005-04:00

My kids feeding the ducks, isn't this poetic?

Ok, so it was not a mountain, it was a hill, like my dear friend like to express it. Very funny, I did not care whether it was either, the fact is that it looked pretty high, and steep and you needed to get to the top through a set of chair lifts...

We had a funny moment at the zoo, I was making a comment to Yael about how remarkable were the zebra stripes, how black and white it was, and she said: "Mommy, it is a Zebra, Zebras have stripes", almost as if she was the adult and I was the child. Meanwhile, Adam just went on talking and talking, he calls me "Maney", or "Hene" (which is closer to my real name, very cute and funny, so huggable I can't take it). He says "Abua"(meaning water) to everything liquid (milk, water, the lake, and anything he drinks or eats) I love his power of synthesis. Then he says "babau" (a word used by babies to name dogs) and all animals are "babaus" again, the use of one word for many animals simplifies everything. "toytoy" means my itouch, toy story, any toy, and any animated character. Now, that is expanding his vocabulary. Not bad at all. I feel that he has definitely made huge strides in this department, or at least I have observed more use of words this past week than ever before. He has also had a few meltdowns typical of the terrible twos, but I would say that Yael started at the same age as he did. Good grief, I hope it fades away soon....

One thing I learned from our trip: kids love animals and Yael in particular, wants both, a cat and a dog. She would have liked to have an elephant at home, or a kangaroo, but I told her that unfortunately, we had a full house, and none of the zoo animals fit in. I am seriously considering having a pet, not now, but in the mid term future. Kids will definitely love being around one.

The return back to work was a little disjointed. I could not stop saying bye to my kids this morning and my nanny thankfully got back in full force, with her usual smile and good sense of humour, and it is all back to my our normal routine. I am still amazed at how smooth things are going with the kids at home. My nanny comes home, she already went grocery shopping to buy the things we need and all is back on track. The good news is that in two more weeks, we are again, taking another week off, this time with her, and going to the beach.

It was a slow coming back. Like Murphy's Law, when something bad is expected to happen, it will happen. I had a conference call with more than 20 participants and it turned out that 45 showed up. Unfortunately, the line could only hold 25 and I had to book another line to have the call, this change and the people catching up and we lost 30 minutes into the call as a result.

My head was still not screwed on today and things could have gone smoothly, but thankfully, nothing too exciting happened while I was gone. There is a lot to catch up on. Today the day flew by so quickly, I did not notice it was time to leave already, when I saw my watch.

An interesting event happened today though, while I was at work, XP tried to sneak in at home and see the kids without my permission, so he called my nanny, and told her he was coming to see them, she was smart enough to call me and let me know, to which I accepted since he had not seen them for a while, but when he arrived here, he asked Yael who I slept with. He made it as an innocent game so she could be trapped into; he started by asking her who she slept with, and Adam and then he asked about me. He is suspecting that I am seeing someone, because he also passed by the house without letting me know in advance. I don't like this and it is a form of stalking me. He has also mentioned that he would have a big problem if I dated someone else as his rights would be violated. He is in some sort of a power trip and thinks he has governance over me. I will have to put him right back in his place. This is the currency I deal with on a regular basis with him. He does not understand boundaries. Oh well...

Lovely vacation at the mountains

2010-07-10T08:47:00.005-04:00

We are back! We had a lovely time. The kids enjoyed it and we spent wonderful days together. We went to a zoo that really catered to younger kids. They were able to touch some animals and even wanted to bring some home. I love the fact that they are not afraid to be around animals and feel close to them, have a close connection to them. When we arrived at the chalet, it was what I expected, clean, modern and utilitarian. Each day was lovelier than the previous one, except for the day we left, overcast and rainy, but thankfully because the weather has been scorching hot. We went to the beach, the pool, a water park, the ski village, participated in a concert with the kids, had lunches and dinners at nice restaurants and overall, the kids ended up so exhausted that went straight to sleep after we arrived every night to the chalet.

My dear friend came over for two days to spend the day with us, poor her, she was awoken by these two rugrats at 7 AM, and then by 10 PM all lights were off (she is a night owl and does not go to sleep until 3 AM so it was kind of a shock and adjustment of schedules). She really helped me out with the kids. It is very helpful to have another set of arms to pull these kids together. Carrying so much stuff, and the kids is sometimes, an overwhelming task.

Kids loved the sand, they spent hours playing with sand and water, then they went to the lake and it was almost as if it was their bathtub. Adam just plunged into the water, then because it was so shallow, he laid on the ground and splattered it with his feet. He even ate some sand, it seemed smooth enough so he put it in his mouth. While Yael also, could not wait to be in the water, she went several times with my friend. She is very comfortable with her arm floaters, at the pool too. We went to a water park and dove into the water by way of a water slide. I felt like a kid again, we all enjoyed dashing into the water.

The sun was so bright, it was hard to be outdoors for extended periods of time, but we made it. Had I had a bigger car, I would have brought my barbecue with me and made some nice burgers at the park near the beach were we went. To my surprise, the beach was a private place and we had to pay to go in, I imagine it is for them to upkeep it, but it was very clean and the washrooms were acceptable.

The pool of the chalet was nice too, but did not have a kids' area. I would prefer a place with a shallow pool for them. Next time I will research more a place for younger kids. We still had fun, and there was enough shade, but the depth of the pool prevented us from doing much. I would say that the best place overall, was the beach. Even though, I have no patience for the sand everywhere. My car is filthy, everything is now covered in sand.

The chalet had its own little kitchen, so I brought my own food, but did not each much as we were out most of the day. It comes in handy as Adam needs his milk at the most unexpected hours. We brought our towels and I was able to do the laundry too as they had a guest laundry room. These chalets were reasonably priced for the area and since they have been renovated, it is affordable amongst a very expensive area.

The smell of fresh air in the morning is precious. Just changing the scenery is enough to disconnect. I was hoping to sleep better but unfortunately the kids were not settled until a few days in and would wake up several times a night until calm.

We had two memorable incidents, as usual on all vacations. Adam broke the glass bowl of a lamp in the room, so I had to go on an expedition to find a replacement. I replaced the bowl with a lamp shade that matched the colour of the wall so as not to seem too obvious, I hope it was not a problem. Yael lost her earring she wore since she was born. A pity, I could not find it anywhere.

Overall, we had a chance to visit different places, we went to two little towns nearby, we went to the beach, the mountain village, and although there were several moments of meltdown (Adam's) it was well planned and the outcome as expected: fun and entertaining.

Our mountain vacation getaway, here we go!

2010-07-01T12:00:00.004-04:00

Mommy, I am checking that you packed

everything with "toytoy" (my itouch)

The time has arrived! We are ready to go. All is packed. There is so much stuff I am bringing with me, there is no room in the car for anything more. The kids are excited and I can't wait to spend more time with them.

Work has been extremely busy for the past 2 months and taking a break couldn't come at a better time. A friend of mine will join us for a few days and other friends who live near that area will drop by to visit as well. It will be fun.

There is a heated pool, a beach nearby, a village to walk through restaurants and shopping, a water park, mountain trails and plenty of things to do for the kids and I. We will have a very fun time.

I invited XP to come with us, or to visit the kids for a few days, but he seems to have other priorities, he was given a chance to spend some time with us (even despite my lack of desire to be around him) but, he declined saying he had to work and had no money to come visit. Too bad, his loss. My aunt suggested I purchase his transportation, but I refuse to enable his inability to get out of his rut. If he is interested, he should make an effort to get there by himself. I am not his parent, or a charity organization, that will sponsor him for life. I am certain that when he wants to travel to England, he manages to get the funds and travels every year, so if he can do that, he can also manage to get the funds to travel to see his kids and spend some vacation time with them.

Childhood passes by so fast. These are the best moments of my kids' life, and if XP does not realize this soon enough, he will miss out on having memorable experiences with them. I don't know what that would mean for me; I would probably be irritated by his constant presence, but I would make the effort for the kids' sake. Who knows. For now, the two breaks we are having will be on our own. It is peaceful to me.

My nanny is gone, she left overnight. She went back home and will be back Sunday of next week. I am glad she was able to go back home as this way, she will feel she is still connected to her family and at the same time, able to work here and accumulate experience and studying towards a better job when she finishes her contract with me. She finished university with honours. She is a trooper. We like her very much. The kids cried yesterday when they said good bye to her. It is a good sign that they totally accept her.

So, wrapping up, I will get back to my kids and prepare lunch before we depart. Will blog back later.

Working from home

2010-06-29T18:47:00.004-04:00

A cheerios necklace making

It can be a pleasure and a pain to work from home. Hours are irregular, there is no straight beginning or end. And the kids....the kids...They just want to be with me. I adore their company, but unfortunately, I could only have a few minutes here and there in between conference calls.

We are getting ready for our trip up north to the mountains. My nanny was laughing of all the things I am trying to pack up. She says: "for your trip to Afghanistan" LOL. Well, we have tons of interesting things to take with us because we will be near the beach, and at the pool, if it is hot. There is enough nature to enjoy the ride, lake, mountains, and little village to tour around. I can't wait. The kids are excited and look forward to our little trip. Yael packed her own little suitcase. All our stuff is in the living room, taking so much space! I do it in anticipation of our trip, to get the kiddos excited. Should be fun!

I love my trampoline!

2010-06-28T11:52:00.000-04:00

Jumping is so much fun!

I could not resist the temptation to get the kids a trampoline. I think it was a very successful purchase. I have seen Yael jumping on every bed in the house for a year and a half now, and I got the hint that this activity is plenty of fun for her, and indeed, it was. As soon as I built the trampoline in our empty backyard, the kids fled to it and spent hours inside it. It is very safe and it will last a few years before they outgrow it. It is equipped to resist the outdoors. As I had not put anything in the backyard to for them to play, it wasn't an attractive place to hang out until now. The kids can't get enough. Adam doesn't get it yet, he stands up and then falls on it as Yael starts jumping, but laughs hard just to bounce through her jumps. I love watching them play. Even the neighbour's kid likes it. I think it is a different kind of set to put in the backyard, but one that kids love for sure. Who did not jump on their bed when they were young?

The question is what to do when the winter arrives. We will have to bring it indoors. Who knows, I will let them play and wait until it is time to bring it inside. We shall see.

School's out

2010-06-24T21:22:00.004-04:00

Playing with Playdoh

The first school year is over! I can't believe Yael has completed a full school year. She cried, and cried and cried, at the beginning and near the end as well. One would think that she would be ready and flexible for adapting into the school considering all the social things she did when I was around, I took her to music, swimming, playgroup, and who knows what, to socialize her at a young age and she still had trouble detaching to me. All the comments from teachers seem positive. She learned a lot and she has a lovely group of friends in her class. I am happy with her school.

While Adam, I have not dedicated much effort in creating an agenda for him, such as the one I had for Yael, and he seems to cruise effortlessly into toddlerhood, without a glitch. However, he is showing some signs of the very anticipated "terrible twos" OMG! I don't know if I will survive the terrible twos if they are like Yael's. He shows signs of being stronger, more resilient and not giving up easily. So, we are in for a nice summer into fall season with these two rugrats.

I have been working from home all week and although it is nicer, because I don't have to dress up and leave home in a rush, I still have tons of work to do and the break between work and home doesn't happen very smoothly. I seem to work longer hours when working from home. However, I accomplish more, and today I deserve a star on my forehead for mowing the grass. It was very long, and it meant, the mower stopped many times, as it did not have fuel while attempting to cut through such long grass. I have had it that long for a month now. I know, I know... There is never enough time for these things and I am not going to pay for it to be done. It is too expensive. I rather do it myself.

Shopping madness

2010-06-20T19:19:00.003-04:00

Mom, Adam wants out of the crib!

Have you ever been on a vicious cycle of waiting until you loose weight to buy clothes, but the ones you have are so tired of you they don't want to be worn, but you are waiting for that perfect moment to buy new ones, but it is not time yet because you are not there yet, and so on and so forth?

So, this morning I got tired of it, and went shopping with the kids. My dad gave me a nice gift for my birthday so I went and spent it all on clothes. I don't regret it, but I did spent more than I should have. However, I have not gone shopping for myself, for a few years now. Not since I had Yael. I wore same clothes for Adam as I was pregnant and now that I am going back to my original weight, I am tired of the same clothes. So I went to my favourite store and got myself a few nice dresses. All for work.

I took my kids to the shopping expedition and believe me it was very tiring, I had to take Yael three times to the bathroom, while I was trying some clothes on, so several times, I had to take off what I was wearing, put my clothes back on and rush to the bathrooms which were not around the corner, and then rush back to keep trying clothes on. I do not recommend parents trying this. However, I decided to take the entire day to go shopping and bear the consequences of having my kids join me in the fun. We took a small break and then we ate, then, again, back shopping.

We left at 11 AM and came back at 5 PM. Both kids were exhausted, but I bought what I wanted. They were often times tired, and cranky, but most times, they enjoyed running all over the stores, picking up stuff, playing with the store employees, and watching me get undressed and dressed up.

I imagine all the walking is worth some exercise, but I don't do enough to loose the weight faster. I am very gradually getting to my ideal weight half a pound a week. This week was bad, we had many sponsored lunches from work, so that did not work. This week, I did not loose anything but I should not feel discouraged because it is a long journey, so a few days out of the range of calories I should take don't matter. What matters is that I keep focused on my diet.

Just as I was taking a break, Adam took my glasses and tore one of the sides apart, so I now have to repair it. Who knows how much that will cost. I had a very expensive pair of glasses and the repair will be costly as well. Oh well.... I will have to pick up a pair of contacts while I wait for it to be repaired.

Mid Year Review

2010-06-15T20:50:00.003-04:00

Enjoying a hotdog bun

Today my department head announced the selection of the position which I applied for and I was pleasantly surprised to know that one of an my esteemed colleagues was chosen. I am happy for her, and I would have considered her my rival in the competition for this position, but she had one thing I didn't: internal knowledge of the company. I am glad for her, I am sure that it will be great for her. I believe, I am the next one in line and as my boss said, there will be more roles to be opened in the very near future, so I will patiently wait for that to happen, in the meantime, I will be diligently working towards the success of my project, which has its challenges and complications at the moment. It is the type of project that has garnered me, visibility across the organization and it will allow me to know the ins and outs of every department. I am ok with the decision.

I also had my mid year review today. Perhaps the only mid year review I have ever had in my career. Funny, because I became a consultant some 10 years ago, and after becoming one, you don't get feedback on your performance. You work and you get paid. Period. But today, I received good feedback, and under opportunities to work on, I did not know exactly what my boss meant when she talked about my focus. I am extremely focused and the lack of focus did not come from me, but from the state of the department when I was hired. It was very difficult to navigate the organization as many roles were not defined yet, so different people kept telling me different things. Usually contradictory in themselves. But had a good review overall. I am comfortable with it and with my job. I know I am doing well. Time will tell. People will learn to appreciate what I am doing over time.

The trial is coming up, I would like to get that out of my way, but it is certainly a concern. I have been told that there is a potential that my ex-tenant could go back to his country and never come back if he has a debt to pay. I don't think he could jeopardize his status in the country due to a debt. I have to wait more than a month for things to develop. It makes me uneasy.

On a good note, our vacation is coming up and all of us are geared up to take time off and enjoy it. Yael keeps saying that she will take a plane to go to Mexico...very cute! BTW, Yael's school year ends next week, I can't believe it!

Racing thoughts

2010-06-14T20:47:00.005-04:00

Now, they both got the gist of it! They almost smiled!

With a full day of work, I was called at my boss' office to receive what I already suspected to be the bad news: The execs had chosen the candidate for the internal position I had applied for. I kind of knew things were not going well, as there was no second interview. But the encouraging comment was that there will be more positions and that my weakness was that I did not have a company background which was required to make this position successful. I agree, I do not have it, but this project I am handling is enabling me to talk to so many people in the organization that I will soon know them all and be in a better position to take the next level. So for now, it is ok. Better things will come up. So, I will be reporting to another person again...

On another note about my work, my business sponsor quit, she started the same day I did and was not satisfied about the culture, the conditions in which she was working and she was offered a package by another company which she could not refuse. I feel sorry she left because we made a great team together and it was excellent to work with her. So lots of things will be unfolding in my job in the next few months.

The good news is that I am enjoying my job, I know the players, the project is quite challenging and quite interesting. Perhaps next year things will be different money wise, but for now, I will have to wait. If I get the deduction from child care expenses, and a bonus from work at the beginning of next year, I will be ok. What is hard, is not to know how much more money I can have in my pocket at the end of the day. We will be fine. I am not worried.

Next week, I will be renewing my mortgages and I may have a break there. I will deal with one step at a time. There will be stressful months ahead of me. I hope I can soon sleep a full night without waking up by racing thoughts.

My Birthday weekend

2010-06-13T22:01:00.004-04:00

Celebrating with my little ones

Another year has gone by and I am not getting any younger, but I had a wonderful weekend. The kids and I celebrated my birthday yesterday and today. Yesterday, I went shopping for my barbecue at home and then we went out for dessert nearby. XP managed to get the kids to wrap the gifts he had bought for me, and the kids wrote a card.

I appreciated the gesture, as I had told him in the past that it is important to teach the kids that we should celebrate other people's important celebrations. The only thing I may add was that he did not make any effort to think about the gift. He spent 3 dollars (as all these gifts came from the dollars store), which were the same as a set of gifts he gave to Yael a while ago (a make up set), really a pity. He did not even consider if I would need the gift, or would even like it, he simply picked up whatever he found first it seems. But he made the effort of doing something which is better than nothing. I thanked him and the kids were involved, which was the only thing that mattered to me.

While my friends, came over today, we prepared a barbecue, ate outdoors, even with the bad weather, and had tons of fun. The kids were very happy to have my friends over, and all my friends helped out, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids while I was running around hosting the barbecue. The only thing I would have wanted was to have sun, but it was great. We all enjoyed it!

Memorable phrases

2010-06-09T18:57:00.004-04:00

Smiley Girl

When Yael gets mad at me she says: "Mommy, I don't love you very much!"

It seems she has learned to use her scissors because today she came with one of her long sleeve shirts completely cut in the sleeve area. I asked her what happened and she said: "I am sorry Mommy", and then she said: "The teacher is Yakki", that was enough to tell me the whole story, she was caught cutting her sleeve with a pair of scissors, and the teacher called her for it . She also calls me: "funky head mommy". I love those made up phrases she comes up with.

My Lovey

2010-06-08T22:19:00.004-04:00

Adam and his lovey

Does your child have a "lovey"? Mine does. And it is not what you would expect. No, it isn't a teddy bear or a blanket. It is a pillow. He carries his very large pillow everywhere. It has to have the bunnies cover, otherwise it would not be the "his" pillow. It is very cute to watch the size of it as compared to his. Every morning we wake up, he wants to drag his pillow around everywhere, at least in the morning. Then when he is comfortable enough, he lets go and moves on to other things, like Yael's toys. He prefers to play with her toys than with his. Very cute too.

However, when Yael was Adam's age, she did not get attached to anything. It is remarkable how different kids are. So now that Yael sees Adam hold his pillow, she has selected one herself, but it does not have the same effect to her than it does to Adam. He cannot go to sleep without holding his pillow, but he is the easiest kid to put to sleep. I take him into his crib and put his pillow close him, fill his bottle with milk, and he instantly becomes quiet, lies down and falls asleep.

Yael bounces around, wants books to be read to her, eats snacks, all night and unless I turn the lights off, she does not go to sleep. It may take me about an hour, hour and a half to finally get her to close her eyes. But she loves the attention she gets from me, because it is dedicated only to her, so she tries to make it last longer.

This very behaviour transports me back to my own childhood, when after our nightly bath, we would wait for my dad to come home, and try to make every possible excuse not to go to sleep, it was the best time of the day, because it was the time we spent with my parents and got their attention. It is funny how some of these events take us back to our own childhood days.

What Sundays mean to me, now

2010-06-06T21:39:00.004-04:00

Candid smiles

I remember when Sunday's were a day to avoid in my life, years ago. I remember they were gloomy, full of sadness, and unavoidable. It was a day of reflecting over one's life and not feeling good about it. A day of loneliness and emptiness.

Today, things are so different. When I realize it is Sunday and the day is almost over, I feel it is too bad the weekend did not last longer, as I enjoy being with my kids so much, time flies and it is never enough. I feel it goes by so fast I can't catch up. What a marvellous turn around of circumstances it has been.

I don't know if it is the nature of the day, but it is a day when families do things together, and it was always sadly jumping at me. Now, when I look back, being on the other side, I get the complete picture of what it is to be a family, to enjoy a day with my family.

The meaning of family has always been very important to me. I don't know if over time I gave it too much significance, but, now that I experience the joy of having one, I feel so at home with the concept, that I keep pinching myself to see if this is real or whether I am dreaming.

My kids have a hard time going back to the weekly routine on Mondays. It seems they also enjoy me being around on weekends. The feeling of comfort is mutual. It feels like we are gelled.

When Sunday arrives, we slowly wake up. Yael is the first one to wake up, then Adam and then, sadly, me. I get Adam out of his crib, let them play in their rooms, but they all gravitate to my bed, so we cuddle together, we read books from the library and if I had a good night sleep the night before, I unearth some toys left behind over time, and play with them. Nothing stops us, we don't have to rush anywhere out, it is our time, just the kids and I. It is bliss.

I love making them happy, it is an automatic reaction in me. We sit down for lunch together or we may go out for brunch with friends, but we always spend the early hours playing "pretend princess is having tea", fortress making, play-dough, hide and seek, arts and crafts, dress-up, blocks, lego, or the million other inventions with our time and their toys. We do things together. Kids spend little time on their own when I am around. They mostly like me to be close by. The room is quiet and busy when I am in the middle of something with them.

These are their childhood moments that I would like to freeze in time. There is laughter, and spaghetti, and pink cutlery, and dirty hands. All I want is to keep these moments embedded in my mind for ever.

I was reading a book to Yael this evening, and just loved the faces she made when she was discovering concepts, ideas, the plot about the book. Her freshness is precious. Her innocence intact. I love discovering who she is as a little person growing up without the prejudice of time.

And Adam and his giggles, his curls, his toddler walk...Sundays make me appreciate my little children and savour these moments.

I was talking to my aunt about our vacation plans, and she said: "your children have won the lottery", to what I replied: "No, I have"

Going swimming

2010-06-03T20:22:00.005-04:00

Building blocks

Today was what I call a very successful day. We played with blocks, the house, did some summer cleaning and tidying up. Adam's and Yael's bedrooms are now all dressed up for summer. I removed a heavy set of curtains that protected the kids from cold drafts coming from the windows. Now we have a lighter set. Removed some toys that now are no longer in use by either kid. Put back Yael's books in the right order (have you ever put books away? Isn't it a pain to organize them in such way that it looks tidy?)

After that, we all sat down for lunch, and shortly after that, XP came to go swimming together. We had so much fun! The kids loved it. They did not want to get our of the water. I blew 3 floats and we exchanged them in the pool. We took turns taking care of the kids. It wasn't such a hot day as last weekend, but it was worth our time. Adam cried pointing at the water because he did not want to leave it. Yael was so excited, she jumped and jumped all the way to the car, and now she is fast asleep 2 hours earlier. After swimming for 1.5 hours, we came back and had some ice cream. Adam went straight to bed. Yael followed.

XP and I have not talked about the incident last week when he called incessantly in the evening and then he came home to see what was happening. I am still upset at him about that, and I am not going to accept that kind of behaviour. He is not calling me as I asked, but it is hard not to. For many reasons, I prefer that we contact each other over email. Sometimes talking to him is difficult as he does not listen much, he has an answer before he hears the whole sentence and it is not always the right answer. Then he asks questions about things he did not hear, precisely because he did not pay attention. And despite that fact, we went swimming, and we entertained the kids. It is hard because we are short with each other, it isn't obvious, but we are distant. I am sure it will eventually go away and things will go back to normal, but things are tense for the moment.

Adam had his 18 month wellness visit with our family doctor. It is all ok, but he needs to shed some lbs. He is 81 cms (average percentile growth) and weighs 27.30 lbs. above average percentile for sure.... We need to cut down on his milk bottles although he loves them so much. He grew 4 cms since his last visit 3 months ago. While Yael grew 10 cms since August last year. That is most amazing, and the reason why all her pants look like shorts on her...LOL!

It looks like this summer will be very hot, which is wonderful. We will go to the pool a lot. It is a great way to do some exercise and enjoy playing in the water.